something cliché

sometimes i wonder...
i often console myself with the thought that many things that bother me are really very childish. and that it will all heal eventually, and that when i grow up ill look back at these things and smile and shake my head for how seriously i felt them. just painless marks of remembrance on skin.

then i get really scared...
and im afraid these things wont heal. im afraid it will always be a struggle to not think of things, to not remember. sometimes im afraid this is it and that its just all going downhill from here. im afraid itll still hurt while i watch my children's children make these mistakes. im afraid ill still have regrets.

sometimes im afraid i dont have much growing up left. grown up has always been painted as this time when things like this dont bother you, where you dont struggle with these childish things anymore. grown up is this time when the slate get wiped clean...nothing from your past hurts you anymore because youre grown up...and things like that dont hurt grown ups.

i also have a problem extracting good motives from bad. they get so tangled up sometimes.