striking out on a great adventure through unknown places

im sitting here listening to "save tonight" and the line that i used to identify so amazingly with keeps repeating in my mind. "save tonight, and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow, tomorrow i'll be gone." i dont know who or what i was fighting against when i remember loving and almost crying at that line. perhaps it was change. perhaps it was losing something i wanted to have. perhaps it was growing up. but its not as eloquent as it used to seem...or as beautifully sad. its just a line in a song. it's another person singing the lyrics...not my heart.

perhaps its because i am not sad. it's been a long time since i could say i'm not sad. losing people. hurting. missing memories. falling in love with memories and times i can't have again. i hurt myself over and over. i've been seeing change differently now...for the past few months...almost a year. not something to fight. not something to mourn. you lose so much of life when you do that. God does these things for a reason. i lose things in my life for a reason. and i dont think that reason is for me to mourn their loss. my memories are sweet (with the occasional hint of bitter)...but that's what they'll stay. memories. life is not a photo alblum...life is not some movie you watch...life is exactly that. life. a verb. a state of being. it's like asking who you are or asking why i love someone. i am. i love you because you are. there is no ending because it is not finished. life is something that is. not something you sit around and try to define. it is what it is and it is valued because of it's very existence, not because of it's content.

i am writing this to say that i'm living now. today, i am living. tomorrow, i pray that i will live again. i pray that i will live the rest of my life. i pray that my life will be just that, life. i also pray for everyone...that they may find joy in life. it's hard at times. it hurts at times. it's beautiful at times. it's hideous at times. and at times it's everything and nothing. God is the only reason i have life, in all its meanings. that's the same as saying light is the only reason i have light. but it's true.

the song is over. that's all it was. a song. there are many other songs to sing. so i leave you with a prayer. that you would find life in all its beauty and pain. that you would find God above all.