a humiliation

well...here i am. ive gotten myself into this. and im ok. amazingly enough...at the moment at least...ive managed to endure what i once thought unendurable. well, it hurts me that he read it. not that he chose to read it...but that it happened. lets see...well, the frustrating thing is that i cant explain it to him and i know that he's going to take everything i say wrongly. he's going to take everything i said on there the wrong way. am i really in shock? is that why ive been laughing? eh. all i really care about is the fact that i'm going home in a few weeks. a few short weeks. life will be hell. ive come to expect that from time to time. damage has been done....i really dont ever expect it to undo itself. its ironic that at the end of it, it becomes new to him. i have a thing about burning old thoughts...or erasing them. there are things i learned through this...pain i went through. i cant erase it and pretend it doesnt exist. i cant. its stupid. i couldnt do that.
come back as often as you like...view my bruises. this serves as merely a photo alblum. i refuse to forget my mistakes, that is why i refused to delete it. i still refuse. come back as often as you like. hate me. fear me. i dont value these feelings anymore, thats why ive left them open to you and everyone i know.

its quite the comforting thought that the most closely guarded part of my self has been exposed for at least three to see and i have survived to tell the tale. quite comforting in fact. the most selfish part of myself, the most secret part of myself, the most hidden part of myself...exposed to the blinding sunlight to realize that, though it hurts the eyes, i havent melted. i havent died. in fact, i find it legitimately funny. oh come on, how else am i supposed to react? this is life, damn it! it sucks...a lot. in fact, my life will be hell for the next...oh few weeks.