venom

i felt so stupid. so weak and childlike. so silly. sure dad left. but he would come back. he never left for more than a few days. i shouldnt be worrying so much. what kind of faith do i have that i worry about such things, when i know that God will take care of me and provide me with all that i need? what kind of faith is that to be afraid? but i was. i really was. "no youre not" the voice said. "you just mime fear to get sympathy and comfort. you are selfish and a liar." its venemous whispers plauged my mind. shamed me. cursed me. and i believed them. i berated myself...scolded my feelings of fear and anxiety. but no matter how much i tried to stamp out the embers, they burned still in my heart and in my mind. "fool!" the voice screamed. "fool! child! idiot! you say you trust your Father but still you fear? what is your faith? your faith is worthless if this is how you feel!" and again, i believed.

dad came back.

and the voice laughed in triumph. "there, see! you doubted and feared in vain! your feelings were unfounded and selfish, and you the more worthless for having them." again, i berated and cursed myself.

i try to fight it off, but it remains, lurking in the corners of my mind. hiding in the shadows of what i am afraid to bring to the light. waiting for the chance to strike, waiting for weakness...and my strength is failing. i must stay alert, wary of its presence and of its intentions, or it will gain ground. it will overwhelm me and bring me down. this voice has teeth...and they often drip with my blood and tear the flesh of my heart. for my heart is the target of these firey darts. of these sharp teeth. but my strength is failing.

Lord, i give this voice to you. judge it as you will, and return it not to me.