this really hurts

today i woke up around 2pm. i felt really horrible and unproductive. then i asked myself what i would do today. i really didnt want to go to the library and blog some more...so i decided to be "little housewife" and pretend that this was really my house and my responsibility. i would do laundry, dishes, clean, and bake. so i got my shower, and looked outside...i saw that it was sunny (perfect for taking pictures) so i ran outside real quick and took some really great pictures. however, i ran into my dad. he hadnt started work yet, he was still doing something with his work van...and so, he crossed his arms and asked me what i was planning on doing today (read: prove to me that you are worthy and not a slacker and a waste of space and a complete failure...tell me how you have planned your life out and are executing that plan this minute, in everything you do). to tell him of my little plan for today would have been playing into this game of his that i continually find myself trapped in...so i said that i wasnt sure...that i hadnt decided. *insert disappointed sigh from father...slight pause as father considers saying something, and then silence as he walks away. i really cant explain why i cant tell him things like that...it has to do with history, past experience...it just feels too fake to come out with all these answers of how i am worthy right when he asks. i just dont know what to say. so, i go take pictures...dad then comes up and asks "so, what all have you done?" i know that he is talking about jobhunting...he is evaluating my efforts and if he finds them not up to par, he will begin the lecture about "how do you expect to be a good human being if you dont get a job? how do you expect to live on your own later if you dont have a job? how do you expect to be successful in your life if you dont get a job?" then he would say something along the lines of how stupid and naive i am for thinking...oh, various stupid and naive things he thinks i think of...and if i correct him on this point, it only fuels the fire. so, i must play the game...i proceed to list off the many places i am applying to and the opportunities that may open up for me...and he just looks aside. ha, i have stumped him on this point..."victory is mine!" i think. "well, since you dont have a job, i want you to keep doing all that stuff around the house." okay, def the wrong thing to say here...that whole "working around the house" meant that i was his slave and anything that i tried to reason with him about meant that i was being disrespectful towards not only my father but my employer...when this whole supposed "deal" was in reality a dictatorship...he was not my employer, he was my dictator. (there is a lot more here that i just dont have time to let you in on) so i nodded silently b/c any vocalization would have been unintelligible screaming. when he left, i was so angry and hurt and insulted by all the things he said, that i paced the kitchen. i am so frustrated with this control freak that i literally tried to rip the banister off the stairs...it wobbles a good six inches...then i began hitting doorframes.

i have decided that i cant do this...im not strong enough; this man is going to drive me into therapy...i swear he will. all i could think of was that my worst day at covenant would be a welcome respite from the drama of home. oh, and ive decided that i am moving to birmingham with kaylor...my parents finally said yes.

i hate how my father projects the things he doesnt like about himself onto me. he isnt satisfied with his life, so he has to "fix" me. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. is there someone who will rescue me from this life?