whispered

tiptoe carefully, there are people sleeping on the floor. the warm wooden floor smoothed by two hundred years of wear. two hundred years of bare feet scuffling through the night. the billowy white curtains recall clouds in their folds and ruffles, gently wrapping the windows that frame the cool darkness. how many people have fallen in love in this room? how many people have danced, talked, kissed? how many people have cried in this room? how many children have run their hands across the logs that make up the wall of this room? tender, young hands on the raw, rough wood. how close i can feel the past...i can feel them crowding around, warming their snow-numbed hands and feet around the stone hearth while the smell of warm drink floats in from the kitchen. their murmurings are muffled by the veil of time that shrouds the shadows that they cast on the darkened walls. and their whispers gently stir the sleeping people on the floor.

skybluepink

how can you tell when the world cycles back and begins again?
how can you tell when the dreams you can't remember come true?

love is a fickle thing...
we throw it away so cheaply then wonder why we cannot find it again, we wonder why no one means what they say...we wonder if we will ever really know someone.

...im searching for contentment, but these dreams keep getting in my way

it sucks to not be in love...

i havent seen much of my mom, considering our schedules are perfect opposites, and i tend to spend days at a time away from home...tonight she asked me "so who are you in love with?" ...caught a bit off guard...i dont usually speak of these things with my mother, but dad's not around so i decide to open up a little. the truth is, im not in love with anyone. its a strange predicament...considering i have always had some guy to crush on since first grade. so she asks "who would you like to be in love with?" and i wonder why i have so many answers to that question....and none to the other.

im bored

Lauren's Aliases

Your movie star name: Kix Ray

Your fashion designer name is Lauren Rome

Your socialite name is Lorelai Vegas

Your fly girl / guy name is L Kin

Your detective name is Fox Sherando

Your barfly name is Apple Smirnoff

Your soap opera name is Elizabeth Scepter

Your rock star name is Hersheys Vette

Your star wars name is Lausam Kinand

Your punk rock band name is The Resignation Telephone

The Amazing Meganame Generator

im a bird.

venom

i felt so stupid. so weak and childlike. so silly. sure dad left. but he would come back. he never left for more than a few days. i shouldnt be worrying so much. what kind of faith do i have that i worry about such things, when i know that God will take care of me and provide me with all that i need? what kind of faith is that to be afraid? but i was. i really was. "no youre not" the voice said. "you just mime fear to get sympathy and comfort. you are selfish and a liar." its venemous whispers plauged my mind. shamed me. cursed me. and i believed them. i berated myself...scolded my feelings of fear and anxiety. but no matter how much i tried to stamp out the embers, they burned still in my heart and in my mind. "fool!" the voice screamed. "fool! child! idiot! you say you trust your Father but still you fear? what is your faith? your faith is worthless if this is how you feel!" and again, i believed.

dad came back.

and the voice laughed in triumph. "there, see! you doubted and feared in vain! your feelings were unfounded and selfish, and you the more worthless for having them." again, i berated and cursed myself.

i try to fight it off, but it remains, lurking in the corners of my mind. hiding in the shadows of what i am afraid to bring to the light. waiting for the chance to strike, waiting for weakness...and my strength is failing. i must stay alert, wary of its presence and of its intentions, or it will gain ground. it will overwhelm me and bring me down. this voice has teeth...and they often drip with my blood and tear the flesh of my heart. for my heart is the target of these firey darts. of these sharp teeth. but my strength is failing.

Lord, i give this voice to you. judge it as you will, and return it not to me.

dad's back

my dad is gone. he left yesterday. we think hes in pennsylvania. he left because he saw how abusive (verbally) he was being, and didnt want to hurt us anymore. we dont know when hes coming back.

i think im going to try for the job at petsmart. i cant leave until dad gets back. it may be a week, it may be a month. we dont know. i used to think that he would never leave us for good...that he loved us too much. however, his love for us may actually make him leave. im optimistic that he will come back...he tends to be a little ADD at times, and gets bored with things easy. i want to say that i hope he comes back soon...but i dont really know.

*insert witty title here

how do i say the things i want to say? how do i tell him thank you? thank you for calling me, thank you for talking to me for two hours, thank you for saying the things he said. how? it really meant a lot to me. it always means a lot to me.

thank you for talking.
thank you for listening.

okay....now what?

okay. so being home all day tends to make me obsess. (well, staying up all night doesnt help either) well, it turns out that this is actually not a good thing. wow, imagine that. so i just keep having to remind myself of what i really want to do and then, im okay...well, okay-er. *sigh. i think i should just give up. release, submit, sacrifice, etc. my check finally came today...my last check. i feel like im being backed up into a corner. the walls just keep closing in. closer...closer...closer. for those of you who have not figured out my biggest fear...im claustrophobic. not badly, but yeah, getting stuck in places and not being able to breath makes me freak out. and it goes for psychological situations too. so i am backing into a corner here and the only way out is birmingham...i dont think i can take this much longer. if i stay here, bad things will happen. (i tend to use my claws when i feel cornered)

a question

do his hands in you hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in,
or a bit like a bird stealing bread out from under your nose?

dad

when i was little, you held my hand
now im older, and you wont let go
your grip is crushing my fingers and no matter how hard i pull away, you keep dragging me onward, exactly where you think i should go. even if i know where you want me is where i belong, i know i dont belong wherever you are. this world may not be where i am supposed to be, but it is better because i am here and you cannot get me...oh, you tried, you chased me and tried to grab my arm to force me to do as you wanted, as you thought best, but i was too quick. but that was a dream, and i am still here, and my world has faded once again to the dry tones of black and grey, never white. and the sounds come muffled but also louder, as if under water. but now you are leaving...again. and it scares me...again.

blatant manipulation annoys the hell out of me

this really hurts

today i woke up around 2pm. i felt really horrible and unproductive. then i asked myself what i would do today. i really didnt want to go to the library and blog some more...so i decided to be "little housewife" and pretend that this was really my house and my responsibility. i would do laundry, dishes, clean, and bake. so i got my shower, and looked outside...i saw that it was sunny (perfect for taking pictures) so i ran outside real quick and took some really great pictures. however, i ran into my dad. he hadnt started work yet, he was still doing something with his work van...and so, he crossed his arms and asked me what i was planning on doing today (read: prove to me that you are worthy and not a slacker and a waste of space and a complete failure...tell me how you have planned your life out and are executing that plan this minute, in everything you do). to tell him of my little plan for today would have been playing into this game of his that i continually find myself trapped in...so i said that i wasnt sure...that i hadnt decided. *insert disappointed sigh from father...slight pause as father considers saying something, and then silence as he walks away. i really cant explain why i cant tell him things like that...it has to do with history, past experience...it just feels too fake to come out with all these answers of how i am worthy right when he asks. i just dont know what to say. so, i go take pictures...dad then comes up and asks "so, what all have you done?" i know that he is talking about jobhunting...he is evaluating my efforts and if he finds them not up to par, he will begin the lecture about "how do you expect to be a good human being if you dont get a job? how do you expect to live on your own later if you dont have a job? how do you expect to be successful in your life if you dont get a job?" then he would say something along the lines of how stupid and naive i am for thinking...oh, various stupid and naive things he thinks i think of...and if i correct him on this point, it only fuels the fire. so, i must play the game...i proceed to list off the many places i am applying to and the opportunities that may open up for me...and he just looks aside. ha, i have stumped him on this point..."victory is mine!" i think. "well, since you dont have a job, i want you to keep doing all that stuff around the house." okay, def the wrong thing to say here...that whole "working around the house" meant that i was his slave and anything that i tried to reason with him about meant that i was being disrespectful towards not only my father but my employer...when this whole supposed "deal" was in reality a dictatorship...he was not my employer, he was my dictator. (there is a lot more here that i just dont have time to let you in on) so i nodded silently b/c any vocalization would have been unintelligible screaming. when he left, i was so angry and hurt and insulted by all the things he said, that i paced the kitchen. i am so frustrated with this control freak that i literally tried to rip the banister off the stairs...it wobbles a good six inches...then i began hitting doorframes.

i have decided that i cant do this...im not strong enough; this man is going to drive me into therapy...i swear he will. all i could think of was that my worst day at covenant would be a welcome respite from the drama of home. oh, and ive decided that i am moving to birmingham with kaylor...my parents finally said yes.

i hate how my father projects the things he doesnt like about himself onto me. he isnt satisfied with his life, so he has to "fix" me. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. is there someone who will rescue me from this life?