I saw you standing there, smiling. But your smile made me sad because I knew it was not for me. So I gathered the bricks I could find, and built a wall between us. Every brick I laid was well thought out and planned. At times I would add bricks, and at times I would tear them off the wall and throw them as far as I could...but I always went to find them. The wall grew, but I never lost sight of your smile, never lost sight of your face. Finally resigned to leave the wall alone, to let it stand, our eyes met across the wall. You invited me to play with you...and you smiled for me.
So, brick by brick, I took down the wall, wincing as each brick broke when I threw it behind me. You smiled at me! I smiled back. I knew that once the wall came down, it could never really keep me again. So I climbed over the remnants of the wall and we played in the cool grass together, smiling and laughing. Then one day, you stopped smiling. Your eyes guiltily avoided mine. Panic began to race through me. "No," my heart cried, "no, don't do that, I haven't stopped loving you, don't stop loving me!"
You stopped playing, and sat quietly on the grass next to me, never looking in my eyes. We sat quietly, my heart crying "no...no" inside me. Then, finally, you looked up, looked into my eyes with yours. Did you know we have the same eyes? I saw again the sadness and guilt I feared. I didn't let you see me cry. I didn't want to leave you with that memory. I wanted you to smile again. I knew you wouldn't smile if you remembered my tears. I didn't want to hurt you. So I smiled, though my eyes burned with tears, and I climbed back over the remnants of my wall.
I will not build it back. I do not have the strength of heart, love, I do not have the strength. Again I see you smile; again I know it's not for me. But if you know only one thing, know this, my smile is for you. It always has been.
"Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to...."
"....so may the sunrise bring hope that once was forgotten."
~iron & wine
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2 comments:
i love you l... i'm going to miss you so much. you mean so very much to me. your friendship has taught me so much, and i know that i will cherish you always. =)
"eh, eh, eh..." (what am i trying to do?) if you guess right, you get a bowl of ramen or some REAL ketchup.
i miss you!!!!
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