*silence

as i stand here, eyes welling up with tears, heart beating painfully faster in my chest, i am at a loss. there are no words, love, there are no words. they have not yet been uttered or heard and silence is the only response i can give. you have told me of your loss, your pain. i can say nothing to you. anything i say would be of selfish motive...it would be to make me feel as if i was comforting you, but i have heard these same words myself, and i know they bring no comfort. i have heard the cliche things people say, the comfort they try to bring. i can only appreciate the fact that they wish to comfort me, but their words serve only to drive me further away from them when i need them the most.

there are many, many things i could say. "she's in a better place" "its God's will" "you'll feel better in time" "you'll see her in heaven"...these words serve only the person who gives them. they provide a 'way out,' for when a friend tells you of something like this, you feel obligated to make them feel better. i have never been comforted by hearing these things...they cannot give what needs to be given. we know this and we know the friend knows it...and we stand there, frustrated with our not-enoughness.

i will not say these things. but here i stand. what do you want me to do? if you want me to stay and be silent and just be here with you, i will. if you wish me to leave, i will. if you wish me to call and talk, talk for the sake of talk and tell of all the mundane things that are happening...so that you may have a few moments of distraction from you pain, i will. i will. i love you and i will do anything i can.

i will.