they swallowed the pills like flowers, like they had tomorrow to gain.

im listening to iron and wine again. i dont know why. theres something there thats so broken and beautiful, something that reaches a place in me i forgot. a place that isnt often awake...a place that shouldnt be awake very often. i want your flowers like babies want God's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come. time moves forward as sure as tomorrow will come. a sorrowful comfort in constancy. the innocence of a daughter who wants nothing but God's love...and we can't give it to her. we are just so very much not enough...for anyone. the deep hunger i have for one of those soft, warm bundles, still curled up in the shape of the womb. content to close my eyes with my face close to his. something so joyful in the first sounds and cries. something so wonderful. a painful yearning that i can feel from the tightness in my throat to the ache in my chest to the tingling at the tips of my fingers. papa died smiling. im sad. i dont know why. i dont want to be. i shouldnt be. maybe because i missed a dose...maybe two, i cant remember. dont worry. im afraid when your eyes drift away. afraid you will catch the worry in mine. i dreamt about rain...lightning and a deep thunder that shook my chest. cold, crisp, wet wind filled with the smell of the storm washed over my body like a baptism. a relief from the heat that threatened me. i cut my finger yesterday.

waking before you ive got a fever and a childish wish for snow. seems like a long, long time since i spun you to this borrowed radio. you pick a place that's where i'll be. time like your cheek has turned for me.

like the lord who has seen his love but we dont know. im not enough. im sorry. i wish i was.

im so cold...and im shaking my head but the spiderwebs wont go away. im getting tangled up. tuckered out and tamed. broken horse. broken in. broken spirit. tame...broken spirit. a history of lovers led me down the path to you. sometimes i wish things were different. speak as if no one else ever could offer the same. bow as the curtain goes down. fuck 'em they'll come back for more, waiting for a knock at the door. like a razorblade. stop. stop. listen for the warning signs. be watchful, be wary. there's something inside you that could kill you tomorrow. there're demons inside his little orange bottle. we were sixteen maybe less maybe a little more. watching the neon on a liquor store. i finally had a story to tell. an autumn-time lullabye sang our newborn to sleep, waiting in the woods on christmas eve.

im fighting her. i am. she gets her claws around my neck sometimes, but the smell of blood and the heat of the battle clear my eyes, and somehow i wrestle my way out. there are cuts on my neck, but the pain gives me clarity. dont worry my dears, dont worry. dont be afraid of the dreams fever brings. the cold, wet wind will wash them all away and thunder will waken you. hell i thought it was already as heavy as can be...but that's not true. i knew it was never true. i dont know if i will ever realize when it gets heaviest...but i know it's not there yet. will the little pink pills make me blind to the weight that crushes me? will i be happy and ignorant until the end? i hope so. i dont want to see the end. i dont want to know it's coming.

ive got her by the tail now. i'm winning. im strong enough now.