people suck.

when perhaps its finally possible for me to move on and out of this strange state of limbo, i cant. i finally find a guy i like and respect and admire...and something always gets in the way. and i dont even want to admit it because everyone will say the same thing. and i could just hear my parents and grandparents and family and friends repeating over and over to me 'you deserve someone so much better' when i really dont. i dont deserve anything above a verbally and physically abusive, emotionally absent, spiritually bankrupt little boy. and there are more than enough of those to choose from...but even they wont have me. it comes to the point where i hate those who have relationships and people to love them. i hate them and then i hate myself for wanting to hate them. i cant win. and im not loved. there is no special guy in my life to call me or just sit and talk, or who doesnt care if everyone knows we like each other. no hiding, no ducking out of sight, no 'i was just lonely' shit [read as: you were only good enough to pass the time]. and i cant help replaying conversations in my head and wondering how they could have gone differently. i cant help hoping that the girl they're in love with is me. i cant help but wish they wanted to spend time with me. i cant keep my eyes open anymore

goodnight