excerpts

When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

...

My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strngth of my heart and my portion forever.



my flesh and my heart fail. they fail me all the time. they fail You all the time. i fail my friends. i hurt them, and sometimes i even mean to hurt them. there are times i just want to give up and leave. leave covenant, leave my family...sometimes even leave this life. but i cant know that it would help them...and it most likely would hurt them. and ive promised them. i love them and loving people sometimes means staying...even when you dont want to. even when youre too tired to love them...too tired to want to love them. i wont abandon them. i will try with all of my strength...and when that fails, i still have God's strength.

"Beyond the ridge to the west, the sun had left the sky
Between the trees and the pond, you put your hand in mine"

its from an iron and wine song...and i know its talking about a young guy and a young girl out in the woods together in the evening. two people who love each other...but i cant help but see a different image every time i hear the line. i think of taking one of those long walks by myself...you know, those walks you dont really look forward to, but you take anyway? yeah, those. they hurt, and theres lots of tears and yelling because theres no one around but the trees, and they never tell anyone what happens in the woods. i see myself sitting on the branch by the pond...tears and anger and fear and frustrations strewn about the ground, soaking into the soft soil. and after a long talk...a talk as if He was sitting right there on the log with me, i get up and walk back home and He gently takes my hand in His. His big, strong, safe hand. and i know He loves me.