i am contemplating the termination of all forms of internet based communication. if you wish to talk to me, or if i wish to talk to you, do it in person. second best, phone. but i think that shall be it.

until i change my mind, i bid you adieu.

she belongs in her Father's arms.
and that's where she'll stay.

read last post as "look at me, look at me! i need attention because i have all these horrible problems"

yeah...right

no, this is not written to you, dear reader...it's written to myself

im so f-cking sick of you! did you know that?? SICK!! why? why do i have to keep going? why do you have to keep shoving your filthy head back up? why cant i just drown you? why cant i just be f-cking rid of you? but nooo...the slightest gesture, intonation of the voice and there you are again. there with all your f-cking loveliness. you cloud my mind and choke my vision. be gone, damn you! f-ck off with all your shitty memories. i hate them and i hate you. i would rip them out of my damned head if i could reach. gouge my f-cking eyes out if i could be rid of you. but no, ingrained so deeply, you just dont give up, do you? you never give the f-ck up. whispers so soft i dont even hear them...but i see them, and i remember them. damn you. damn you to hell. if i could cut this out of myself i would, and dont you dare f-cking judge me for what i fight every day. and i dont really care. but i cant keep myself from uttering those empty words...every damn day. f-ck it. f-ck it all. i just dont care anymore.

something red.

laugh if you go
and tell me if you fall
for the darkness really isnt darkness at all
its sunlight corrupted
and love forgotten
and one more time will be mistaken.

im sorry my dear,
i didnt know how fast and strong the vines do grow
if im tired this time,
ill close my eyes,
and rest your gentle head in my arms,
lovely one
for this time, if we sleep,
we wont wake to dawn

leftover windows
shards in the sun
the day has only last begun
to fade away and hide its eyes
from the things that stalk the darkness
running to their arms i cry save me from yourself, oh night,
and let me not besmirch your cloak with tears
oh lovely one come closer to me and i'll wipe away your fears
for things that hold you in their arms so loose have lost the very soul of you
to rain and chestnuts in baskets on kitchen tables far from the past
that i remember...

ive forgotten and i left it all in that ditch
some good fifteen miles behind me
and little did i know how many miles i walked in circles
tripping in the same rut
i pray for childbirth and loving hands left warm marks on cold skin,
the color of warmth will wrap the baby tighter than before
and this time she will keep breathing
slow and steady
in and in again,
and the little sighs reach up around the room
and cover it in a baby-ness that we never had before
she is mine
and i love her

can i come with you?

im afraid to ask
afraid of them
afraid of him
of you
yet theres so much i want
i want to be wanted
and loved
can i come with you?
i look up to you, you know?
and im afraid of myself
but what am i afraid of?
wanted, not needed.
not necessity
not requirement
not obligation
or pity
wanted.

excerpts

When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

...

My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strngth of my heart and my portion forever.



my flesh and my heart fail. they fail me all the time. they fail You all the time. i fail my friends. i hurt them, and sometimes i even mean to hurt them. there are times i just want to give up and leave. leave covenant, leave my family...sometimes even leave this life. but i cant know that it would help them...and it most likely would hurt them. and ive promised them. i love them and loving people sometimes means staying...even when you dont want to. even when youre too tired to love them...too tired to want to love them. i wont abandon them. i will try with all of my strength...and when that fails, i still have God's strength.

"Beyond the ridge to the west, the sun had left the sky
Between the trees and the pond, you put your hand in mine"

its from an iron and wine song...and i know its talking about a young guy and a young girl out in the woods together in the evening. two people who love each other...but i cant help but see a different image every time i hear the line. i think of taking one of those long walks by myself...you know, those walks you dont really look forward to, but you take anyway? yeah, those. they hurt, and theres lots of tears and yelling because theres no one around but the trees, and they never tell anyone what happens in the woods. i see myself sitting on the branch by the pond...tears and anger and fear and frustrations strewn about the ground, soaking into the soft soil. and after a long talk...a talk as if He was sitting right there on the log with me, i get up and walk back home and He gently takes my hand in His. His big, strong, safe hand. and i know He loves me.

people suck.

when perhaps its finally possible for me to move on and out of this strange state of limbo, i cant. i finally find a guy i like and respect and admire...and something always gets in the way. and i dont even want to admit it because everyone will say the same thing. and i could just hear my parents and grandparents and family and friends repeating over and over to me 'you deserve someone so much better' when i really dont. i dont deserve anything above a verbally and physically abusive, emotionally absent, spiritually bankrupt little boy. and there are more than enough of those to choose from...but even they wont have me. it comes to the point where i hate those who have relationships and people to love them. i hate them and then i hate myself for wanting to hate them. i cant win. and im not loved. there is no special guy in my life to call me or just sit and talk, or who doesnt care if everyone knows we like each other. no hiding, no ducking out of sight, no 'i was just lonely' shit [read as: you were only good enough to pass the time]. and i cant help replaying conversations in my head and wondering how they could have gone differently. i cant help hoping that the girl they're in love with is me. i cant help but wish they wanted to spend time with me. i cant keep my eyes open anymore

goodnight

we were sixteen maybe less maybe a little more

Beyond the ridge to the left, you asked me what I want
Between the trees and cicadas singing round the pond
I spent an hour with you, should I want anything else?

One grinning wink like the neon on a liquor store
We were 16, maybe less, maybe a little more
I walked home smiling I finally had a story to tell

And though an autumn time lullaby
Sang our newborn love to sleep
My brother told me he saw you there
In the woods one Christmas Eve, waiting

I met my wife at a party when I drank too much
My son is married and tells me we don't talk enough
Call it predictable, yesterday my dream was of you

Beyond the ridge to the west, the sun had left the sky
Between the trees and the pond, you put your hand in mine
Said, "Time has bridled us both but I remember you too"

And though an autumn time lullaby
Sang our newborn love to sleep
I dreamt I traveled and found you there
In the woods one Christmas Eve, waiting

- iron & wine

lentils make good babies...but you cant eat them.

i feel like im teetering on the edge of something. that pause at the apex of a yawn where you just hold all the air you can deep in your lungs and for that second, its the best feeling in the world. but if you hold it too long theres a sharp pain and the stale suffocating sensation that swirls to your head and makes your vision dance. thats where i am at the moment. im not holding the breath in...im just waiting for the right moment to exhale.

waiting. always waiting. waiting and yet being tossed about and swept forward by the tide. you cant blame the tide though. its the moon that pulls it. it cant help sweeping you up in its waves. are there any who fight the moon?

when i was little, walking alongside the grocery cart, i would pick up the bags of beans and lentils and pretend they were babies. cradling them close in their plastic packages, i would walk along the aisle, always hoping mom would buy the little plastic baby in my arms. but she never bought the lentil baby. sometimes the popcorn baby...sometimes the blackeyed pea baby (which could never really be a baby in my mind, a baby could never be made of blackeyed peas)...but never the lentil baby.

one time my dad made lentil soup. i had to force myself not to think of where he got the lentils.