no attempts at comfort, please

not one of those quick snaps. no, not quick. just a slow and agonizing realization of something i cant even describe. no need to worry. just let me do all the worrying. ill curl up with it all to myself and let you know if i need anything. like a small, trapped animal ricocheting off the walls of a cage, all of that energy and frustration on the inside. all condensed down until nothing moves. everythings still there, its just not showing. this is when i would drink. this is when i would smoke. all alone and by myself. with no one around to see it. because if no one sees it, no one can say it happened. dont worry about me, ill let you know how it all turns out in the end. i'd go to bed, but i cant sleep. i'd run away, but youre all too far. i'd tell you im okay, but you never quite believe me. its okay, i never quite believe any of the things i say to myself.

scared, hopeful, ashamed of that hope. where are you guys? where did you all go? sarah, my dear, you dont know what strength you gave me. madison, hon, you dont know how much i'd do for you. its times like these i wonder if you really can make a deal with God.

in time, memories fade, senses numb, one forgets...

and we all die.

really, though, what loss is it? if i could only believe that we were leaving each other to follow our dreams. but i cant. the only thing i can believe is that God is taking them somewhere. all i can do is be wonderfully thankful i know them. thankful for all ive had with them. im starting to wonder how many idyllic moments a single life can hold. surely there is some breaking point? some limit. critical mass or something. boom. silhouettes til our bodies finally go. something like that. its harder to sit and watch as each person leaves one by one. i much prefer to be the leaver. ive always been the leaver. im seriously considering being the leaver again. covenant college, youve got one more chance. just one. if you take one more from me, thats it. through. im gone. i was better off when i was only leaving the idea of friends. that was all. a tearful ride home after the last day.

no more idealistic dreams for me. ive given up on that.

a question for this summer, to stay? or to run away? the latter is sounding more and more enticing every minute.