where are you, my friend

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

(Chorus)

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

_frou frou_

i do need a hero. but ive been holding out for long enough. i have one. a hero on a white horse who's come to sweep me off my feet. but i turned away. he tried to romance me, and i ran away and curled up alone, crying my lonely tears. ive run after those i never really believed i could love. then i fooled myself for too long and fell. fell down into a pit with high sides. i only just made it out. all the while, my hero stood quietly beside me. he stood and cried for my pain and he watched the sunsets with me. he painted the sunsets for me. and yet i still cried out that i was lonely. oh how i must have hurt him! im sorry, my love. my hero. ive called too many others by a name that was yours alone. they all fall so desperately short of what i need. so short. none of them could be enough for me. not a one. you are my hero. i need no other.

and yet i want a friend. someone just as imperfect and fallen as me. with scars to show and stories to tell and a life to live. a life i can share in.

i have a hero. but i want a friend.

one stepped lightly over the threshold, gently closing the door behind him. the click of the latch was audible yet went unnoticed. the last glimpse held a sadly apologetic expression. meek forgiveness shone in his eyes. but perhaps i imagined it all.

one burst back through the door. heavy laden. shock and surprise was audible in my greeting. i really never expected to see him again. stealing glances all night. laughing and smiling more than i can remember. im sure they noticed it. my face hurt from smiling all night. i found him again. but i fully expect to lose him again.

merry christmas to me.

no attempts at comfort, please

not one of those quick snaps. no, not quick. just a slow and agonizing realization of something i cant even describe. no need to worry. just let me do all the worrying. ill curl up with it all to myself and let you know if i need anything. like a small, trapped animal ricocheting off the walls of a cage, all of that energy and frustration on the inside. all condensed down until nothing moves. everythings still there, its just not showing. this is when i would drink. this is when i would smoke. all alone and by myself. with no one around to see it. because if no one sees it, no one can say it happened. dont worry about me, ill let you know how it all turns out in the end. i'd go to bed, but i cant sleep. i'd run away, but youre all too far. i'd tell you im okay, but you never quite believe me. its okay, i never quite believe any of the things i say to myself.

scared, hopeful, ashamed of that hope. where are you guys? where did you all go? sarah, my dear, you dont know what strength you gave me. madison, hon, you dont know how much i'd do for you. its times like these i wonder if you really can make a deal with God.

in time, memories fade, senses numb, one forgets...

and we all die.

really, though, what loss is it? if i could only believe that we were leaving each other to follow our dreams. but i cant. the only thing i can believe is that God is taking them somewhere. all i can do is be wonderfully thankful i know them. thankful for all ive had with them. im starting to wonder how many idyllic moments a single life can hold. surely there is some breaking point? some limit. critical mass or something. boom. silhouettes til our bodies finally go. something like that. its harder to sit and watch as each person leaves one by one. i much prefer to be the leaver. ive always been the leaver. im seriously considering being the leaver again. covenant college, youve got one more chance. just one. if you take one more from me, thats it. through. im gone. i was better off when i was only leaving the idea of friends. that was all. a tearful ride home after the last day.

no more idealistic dreams for me. ive given up on that.

a question for this summer, to stay? or to run away? the latter is sounding more and more enticing every minute.

a cruel thing

i sat there. sat and studied the keys. through eyes filled with tears. what a cruel thing, i thought in my saddness. my saddness that was unassociated with the sight before me. keys of brick. black and white. two, then three, then two again. it was made in the image of something wonderful and mysterious. the children sit on its bench made of bricks and pretend to compose masterpieces on its silent keys. so sad. to resemble something made to create so beautiful a thing as music. it was like looking at the only copy of a book that had never been read burning in the fireplace. something that looked so much like the instrument that has been the medium for so much emotion. so much beauty. so much potential. yet to never utter a note. to always be silent. i wanted so badly to place my fingers gently on the white bricks and press ever so softly and feel them depress and hear the beautiful chord rise. but i knew they wouldnt budge, no matter how gently i pressed them. so sad.

the worst fate in the world would be to live as a brick piano.

jezebel

who's seen jezebel?
she was born to be the woman i would know
and hold like the breeze
half as tight as both our eyes closed

and who's seen jezebel?
she went walking where the cedars line the road
her blouse on the ground
where the dogs were hungry, roaming

saying, "wait, we swear
we'll love you more and wholly
jezebel, it's we, we that you are for
only"

who's seen jezebel?
she was born to be the woman we could blame
make me a beast half as brave
i'd be the same

who's seen jezebel?
she was gone before i ever got to say
"lay here my love
you're the only shape i'll pray to, jezebel"

who's seen jezebel?
will the mountain last as long as i can wait
wait like the dawn
how it aches to meet the day

who's seen jezebel?
she was certainly the spark for all i've done
the window was wide
she could see the dogs come running

saying, "wait, we swear
we'll love you more and wholly
jezebel, it's we, we that you are for
only"

Iron & Wine - Jezebel

i dont know how to comfort you, my dear. it hurts me so much to watch you hurt. i know you'll miss him, and i know you'll miss her. we'll all miss them. but i dont know how to comfort you. i wish i did, but i dont. all i can do is be here for you, and let you cry when you need to.

i love you, my dear.

when you find a mr. darcy, should you let yourself fall in love?

my dreams become more and more vivid

the horse was black. a silken black with a shine on it like oil. i could feel his body betweeen my legs as i tried to hold on, gripping for all i was worth. no saddle or stirrups to hold on to, merely my body perched upon his. when i first climbed up onto his back, i felt like it would be awkward and he would easily throw me at the first step, but settling down, i realized how much my balance was influenced by his want of me upon him. if he wanted me off, i would suddenly not be able to hang on, but for the moment, he was willing for me to ride him. we sped through the dry and dead trees of the mountain, racing headlong towards the blazing flames that were quickly engulfing the forest.

an excerpt from a story i havent written yet

it was one of those in-between days. one of those days where nothing went quite right, but it couldnt have been said that anything went truly wrong either. where nothing was in black or white, just muddy shades of grey. it was hard to do anything on this type of day. the sun had been hiding behind the clouds all morning, and the dull light made indistinct shadows wherever she looked. it was one of those worst days. she somehow couldnt find enough feeling to make herself smile, and there was nothing, really, to smile about, either. but it wasnt one of those bad days. nothing truly terrible had gone wrong, so she didnt feel quite justified in letting herself feel miserable. but the miserableness was there in the frustration at the pure indifference of this day. if she were a cat, she would be twitching her tail, back and forth. flicking at the little indistinct bits of life that were converging to create this frustration.

but, unfortunately, she thought, she was not a cat and she could not flick her tail to and fro in that agitated manner. no, she just drove. the dry landscape scraped by the window of the car. she kept her eyes fixed on the dirty, blue minivan in front of her. she made up some painfully ordinary story about the yuppie soccer mom that was driving her 2.5 kids to the walmart a few miles away. she could almost hear the kids fighting in the backseat and she could imagine the tired thoughts that turned through the mother's head.

"i wonder if she would flick her tail, too," she mused under her breath. she said it aloud, though no one was in the car. the lack of company was precisely why she muttered this fleeting thought, rather than merely letting it swirl silently around in her head. had anyone been in her car with her, she would have been concentrating on them. her thoughts would have encompassed them, but as it were, her thoughts lingered on many things outside of her little car as she sped through the cold, dead countryside.

it wasnt brown, more of a yellowish tan. everyone always describes a dry winter landscape as brown, but to her, brown was too colorful of a description. a faded tan was closer to what she saw. almost a grey. brown was a rich and earthy color, and there was nothing rich or earthy about the grey road that cut through the greying grasses, with the faded tan tree trunks that stuck up out of the faded tan leaves. it was as if all the color from the summer had dried up and faded. like how colorful paper does when left in a sunny window. she could remember, as a child, taking down such colorful construction paper masterpieces to find that all their color had seeped through the glass and been washed away by the sun. the trees had just been left out in the sun too long. the trees, and the grasses, and the houses. all of them, faded from the too long exposure to the bleaching light.

in which cleaning day tries to kill me...twice

attempt #1
so today was cleaning day for founders. which consists of throwing everything on top of the bed to vaccuum and then hiding it all as best as possible. well, i had about 10 books piled up on the bed and was trying to take the large, metallic happy birthday sign (which is about 2 months old) down. to do this i had to stand on my book-covered bed and balance in between the range of various kinds of things that were cluttering it. well, i got it down and as i turned to step off my bed, i lost my balance. i stepped off the bed (which is on risers) and landed on the side of my foot and all of my weight landed on my ankle. unable, at this point, to catch myself, i crashed down to the floor. my whole right side is sore. my one roommate was in the room but the other one heard the crash of my body on the floor and came running in to find me sprawled out on the floor holding my ankle and muttering profanities through clenched teeth. i was soon able to walk, though, and continued to clean the room. (much more carefully)

attempt #2
a few hours later, i had just finished my hall chore of wetsysteming the bathrooms. cleaning day had not been kind to me since my little attempt at flight. i have three large scrapes on my knuckles from trying to open the stupid windows to clean the outsides. after finishing the bathrooms, i went into one to wash the chemicals off my feet and legs. however, instead of sitting on the bathroom counter to do this (it was wet) i decided to place one foot at a time in the sink and wash it off. i was fine for the first one, however, when i placed the wet foot back on the floor and went to lift the other up, i ended up flying backwards with quite a few not very nice things running through my mind. crashing, again, to the hard bathroom floor, i began, immediately to laugh at myself. allison comes in and after asking if im okay and me yelling through the laughter that i was fine...just fine, asks if i had fallen again. my roommates commented that they had heard the large crash of my entire body once again hitting the floor, but had thought to themselves that it couldnt have been me falling again. we spent the next fifteen minutes laughing at my complete and utter lack of balance today.

so if you see me limping across campus, yeah, thats why.

weeping willow, i cry my sorrows to you.

we walk around to people.
holding out our hearts.
saying here i am.
i am weak.
and the other person hides away their brokenness for us.
and lets us think they're strong.
they become strong for us.
then, when we feel comforted.
they turn to the person next to them.
and hold out their shattered hearts.
we have all wiped away the tears of one.
while our own hearts cried.

tennyson

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more.

alfred lord tennyson

lost, gently. like the swift melting of a snowflake on the warm flesh. slipped away. gone. like one star in the vast millions burning out. no flickering, no wavering. just gone. faded away in an instant. one light lost in the broad expanse of light. like a star that burns out in the daytime. quiet. soft. like the slip of silk onto the carpeted floor. no sound, only the sheen on the cloth as it slides off the bed.

"i dont feel loved. i dont feel welcome. i feel shunned. i feel cast aside. i feel hated and worthless."

-something i wrote last night.

today, the sun peeked up over the mountain, and i remembered things i had forgotten, and God told me things i needed to hear. people looked at me today, people looked at me, and even though some were insincere, they did care enough to try. perhaps the caring and trying was solely for their own comfort and benefit, but it helped me none the less.

i am stronger today.

::growl::

as i procrastinate

so did you really think i'd get through the night before a big test without blogging at least once? silly person. anyway, im coming to realize many things in my life can be classified as a bird stealing bread out from under my nose. the iron and wine song has that line in it.
"do his hands in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in,
or a bit like a bird stealing bread out from under your nose?"
there are some things in my life right now that feel so good, but are really stealing life from me. sin. sin is a bird stealing bread. disobedience to God. another bird. so many birds circling my little loaf of bread. there are so many birds circling other's heads too. but i cant take my eyes off my bread. Lord, take my bread from me. i pray that you would help me guard it. Lord, i pray that you would take my life from me. take it from my incapable grip. take it and make it yours...so that none may steal it. so that i may be used by you.

as i dance on eggshells...

what is loyalty? i was sitting here in bed and trying to define something. trying very hard. running scenarios through my mind. mock conversations and situations. loyalty of friends is coming into question at this moment of my life and, in questioning the loyalty of others, i naturally begin to question my own. i was formulating a sort of promise thing in my mind...you know, something i say quietly to myself whenever i decide i am friends with someone.

she calls me loyal.

what is loyal?

she said she has a friend who will hate anyone who hurts someone he loves. she loves this about him. he will hate with a vengance anyone who hurts someone he loves. she says he is loyal.

what is loyal?

is loyalty supporting someone no matter what? what if theyre wrong? what then? how do you remain loyal when you know they are wrong? loyalty, therefore, cannot be blindly supporting someone's actions. is loyalty tied to actions at all? no. loyalty is not something that is deserved or earned. not for me at least. people do not earn their loyalty from me. i am loyal to those i love. or at least i try to be.

i will be loyal to you. but that does not mean i will support everything you do?

does this make loyalty conditional? am i mixing up loyalty and love? what is loyalty?


"Loyalty, a prime virtue, is unswerving in allegiance, and implies a faithfulness that is steadfast in the face of any temptation to renounce, desert, or betray. Loyalty to God is the first commandment. Live what it teaches, to love Honor above all things."

Loyalty. i will not leave you. i will not betray you. you can leave me, you can betray me, you can hurt me. you can say anything you want, to me and about me. and if you come back, i will still be here. i cant promise i won't fear you by then. i cant promise you i havent cried or screamed or walked alone on dark nights to places i dont know. i cant promise you not to be hurt or scared. but i can promise that i will chance you again. second chances, third, fourth, nine hundred and fifty seventh.

i give you my loyalty, but it is beneath a different loyalty. i am loyal to God first.

God is loyal to me.