my world is spinning...faster and faster...things have been thrown about and i cant tell whats happening. i know ive been hurt, i just cant feel it yet...im still numb. pain can be good sometimes...but it still hurts. rejection and abandonment hurt...but its not rejection and abandonment....someone is just trying to tell me it is...trying to make me lose hope, trying to hurt me and make me lose heart. soon things will slow down...stop spinning....settle. then i can assess the damage (if any)...pick up the pieces and keep going...i will always keep going, for my strength doesnt come from me but from my Father. im starting to think the damage wont be that bad....
we used each other...we felt too alone to handle it anymore...we had each other. and i lost something too precious to lose. i lost my connection with God. i knew that i was well outside His will for me...i knew he was not what God wanted for me. God wants me to wait...for something.
there is a small child in me that wants to kick and scream and throw things, to cry and lose hope. the other part of me lets that small child loose within herself and allows her to hurt me. and i sit and let it hurt because i know that there are times i must go through pain. but it is always going through...never in. there is always hope because i know that my world will not end...my world is too big and strong to end. my world is God.
i feel like im walking out of the dentist's office again. i had just had a tooth filled, and hadnt really reacted that badly....i hate pain and if i was going to cry, i expected to cry during or right before....but no. i walk out of the office and immediately break down into uncontrollable tears. he had hurt me. the physical pain was nothing i couldnt handle...but he had hurt me. i cried because i had been hurt, not because of the pain. it astounds me.
right now, im okay. but my world is in grave danger of spinning out of control again...
i am mad at myself because i did it again. i went my own way. i tried to control things. like a 2yr old trying to drive a car. imagine the parent's frustration when the 2yr old takes ahold of the steering wheel, and the parent cant take it back, because the parent has given the child free will. now imagine the pain because the parent knows exactly how and when this child will be hurt...knows if he will lose his precious daughter...knows the scars she is about to inflict upon herself...but she cannot truly be his if he does not give her the choice. i have been given the choice...the choice is always there...the steering wheel so inviting, so tempting.
"He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3
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