boys and bare feet

My group of friends and I had just gone to see a really great movie together. We were all standing around outside the theater...talking...joking...not wanting to break the spell that had been cast before us on the screen. My friend Kaylor and I decided to sprint around the theater because we were a little high on caffiene and sugar. We convinced Chis to play with us, so we all took off across the parking lot (me in bare feet) just for fun. Well, Chis decided he was being chased....so I decided to catch him. However, little did I realize how fast he can run...or how out of shape I am. I had to stop at the end of the parking lot....however, he continued around a building, and began to dodge and weave around the parked cars. Unable to resist the taunting...I again gave chase. Returning to the group, I decided to rest. Chis made his way cautiously back to the group, not realizing that I had given up...for the moment...I will get my revenge.

It makes me sooo happy to be able to play like I'm 8 years old again!

hes always gone too long

so may the sunrise bring hope that once was forgotten

Any Given Day

I woke, I broke free drove a long time
It didn't purge you from my mind
Hang up the halo, maybe you're right
Chalk it up to a starry night
To be set free, to live and learn
Did we pass or fail the term?
You wrote a note with chalk on my door
A message I'd known long before:
On any given day, you'll find me gone
On any given day, you'll find me gone

Give me your reason, give me your rhyme
So I can tempo me to your time
So I can scratch your surface and be
A deeper part of the mystery
To be undone, to be alone
To live life in monotone
I reach the beach and try to ignore
The warning I'd known long before
On any given day, you'll find me gone
On any given day, you'll find me gone

I've been down to the sea
I've been down to the sea
And so all of the lovers will say
Forever star-crossed will we stay
Still I can't help feeling castaway
on any given day
Still I can't help feeling you'll run away
on any given day

I window shop for you in my mind
A flannel shirt at the five and dime
A leather coat cut big city style
Boots from plastic crocodile
A pinecone dipped in glitter glue
A penny 1942
A necklace with a cheap green stone
Barefeet, cold sand. Chill to the bone

My eye on you. My eye on you.
My eye on you always

I lift my hands up, smell to reveal
Your perfume on the steering wheel
You're next to me asleep and I smile
I think I'll drive on for awhile

~Carbon Leaf

spinning too fast

it literally feels like ive been spinning in circles faster and faster, then immediately changing directions....all weekend. i feel nauseated, physically sick. i have felt sick ever since i had that talk with stuart. ive felt like throwing up all night....all weekend.

we are such children. i like being a child. growing up holds no appeal...at all. i retreat into my mind, my world where i can stay friends with these people that i love, they never leave, we never have to grow up and go our separate ways. why cant we stay this way? i have always believed my greatest enemy is time. i have yet to find a reason to think otherwise.

"time, time, time
never makes you better,
just bitter,
just bitter,
as hell.
tonight tonight
i wanna feel better,
better
for a while"
~East Buddha

away...im bound away...

last night was okay....we watched pulp fiction....fun stuff. as i was walking, alone, back to carter...stupid, far away carter...i stopped. standing there in the middle of the chapel lawn, i looked up at the sky.....the chill of the night and the clarity of the stars made me want to run. run away, run through the woods. not stop...keep going....never stop. how many times have i wanted to do this? how many times will i want to run?

why cant i actually run away? there is nothing stopping me from packing up some things, food, money....and just leaving.
i wish i could stay at covenant over the summer. stay in the apartments....or mac....all summer...work and be with friends. live on my own....i dont want to depend on my parents anymore....ever. i want to make a world on top of this mountain and never have to leave....some people actually succeed in this.

i struggle....how close and supporting can i be to a guy friend before it becomes more than just friends? how close will he allow me to get without feeling like i am trying to....i dont know...seduce him or something? make myself such a staple and a fixture in his life that he will never be able to leave me? will i ever escape this? will i ever be able to say 'no?' ever?

to satiate my wanderlust, i sprinted behind the chapel, through the wildness of the night....but i couldnt continue. i wanted to keep going, through the woods, follow a stream, down the mountain....and then come home. this is home, this is where those i love are living.

release the wolves

my world is spinning...faster and faster...things have been thrown about and i cant tell whats happening. i know ive been hurt, i just cant feel it yet...im still numb. pain can be good sometimes...but it still hurts. rejection and abandonment hurt...but its not rejection and abandonment....someone is just trying to tell me it is...trying to make me lose hope, trying to hurt me and make me lose heart. soon things will slow down...stop spinning....settle. then i can assess the damage (if any)...pick up the pieces and keep going...i will always keep going, for my strength doesnt come from me but from my Father. im starting to think the damage wont be that bad....
we used each other...we felt too alone to handle it anymore...we had each other. and i lost something too precious to lose. i lost my connection with God. i knew that i was well outside His will for me...i knew he was not what God wanted for me. God wants me to wait...for something.

there is a small child in me that wants to kick and scream and throw things, to cry and lose hope. the other part of me lets that small child loose within herself and allows her to hurt me. and i sit and let it hurt because i know that there are times i must go through pain. but it is always going through...never in. there is always hope because i know that my world will not end...my world is too big and strong to end. my world is God.

i feel like im walking out of the dentist's office again. i had just had a tooth filled, and hadnt really reacted that badly....i hate pain and if i was going to cry, i expected to cry during or right before....but no. i walk out of the office and immediately break down into uncontrollable tears. he had hurt me. the physical pain was nothing i couldnt handle...but he had hurt me. i cried because i had been hurt, not because of the pain. it astounds me.

right now, im okay. but my world is in grave danger of spinning out of control again...

i am mad at myself because i did it again. i went my own way. i tried to control things. like a 2yr old trying to drive a car. imagine the parent's frustration when the 2yr old takes ahold of the steering wheel, and the parent cant take it back, because the parent has given the child free will. now imagine the pain because the parent knows exactly how and when this child will be hurt...knows if he will lose his precious daughter...knows the scars she is about to inflict upon herself...but she cannot truly be his if he does not give her the choice. i have been given the choice...the choice is always there...the steering wheel so inviting, so tempting.

"He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

um.....wow

wow. so yeah...stuart and i are sorta dating now. amazing what a bonfire and talking til 6am can do. in the space of a few hours, my world has taken a drastic turn.....for better? for worse? we'll see. this morning around 8 am, my roommate announced her engagement to her bf. not like they already had the church and the reception place set though. and by this time i had had only about 2hrs of sleep...so i was like....thats great, now lemme sleep. good grief! we all already knew you were going to marry him...why is this such a big deal??

so here i sit contemplating the situation i have found myself in....when i should be writing a paper...or two....so im gonna be responsible now and go.

why?

every day i feel her slip further. hold on, love.
every day he pulls her deeper. fight strong, love.
every day his grip is stronger. im here, love.

why cant he see her pain?
why cant she feel her heart again?

one of my poems....ok, my only poem

i wrote this a good year ago....it's not pertaining to anything recent...i dont think...

Oh my love, please don't cry
I didn't see the crimson stain before my blinded eye
Until the golden morning light restored to me my sight
Held captive from the shining day by shadows of the night
Aware was I my claws were sharp, though I thought them sheathed
Yet in the dark I cannot see the bloody lines they leave
Gentle caress I thought to give
With hands stained scarlet must I now live
No league of water can wash away
These crimson marks unveiled by light of day
If all the seas were drained,
And all the clouds had rained,
Never shall this blood be washed away.

the hero is losing

the movements of his heart are slowed, as if bound in suffocating cloth. wound around the limbs, hindering and tangling every move. more and more effort is needed to feel, to move, to care...

the Enemy smiles because he has almost won. his firey darts have been aimed true. the heart his target, the death of our hero his aim. lost and alone, bleeding and wounded, tired and weary....our hero lies dying; slowly suffocating in a world of numbness and indifference.


"and the beast
never seen
licks its red talons clean
sara curses the cold
no more snow
no more snow"
~iron and wine