a conversation

Lord, please dont let me go. im sliding back, Lord. please dont let me go.

sometimes you just have to go forward. no matter how easy or inevitable the slide backwards is, sometimes you just have to not slide. dont do it, lauren...its your choice. you want to be weak, you want an excuse to let go...to not work at it anymore. but i wont give you one.

it hurts.

its supposed to. its called healing.

will it ever not be there?

no.

why?

you remember the night you sat there and battled with yourself. looking down on the lights of chattanooga?

yeah.

you had a choice. you made your choice. you knew how i wanted you to choose and you disobeyed.

im sorry.

i know. i know it hurts. but you chose what to do. i didnt stop you.

i wish you had.

listen to me next time, dearest. listen and you wont feel this way.

i think it should go away. it should be like a speed bump. you get over it. sure its uncomfortable but you get over it and forget it. but its not. its like a scar. like a burden. like that dull ache in my side that sends me to the hospital every few years. except they have medicine for that ache. they have really great drugs that make all the pain go away...well almost all the pain. i want to drown this in drugs...but thats too easy isnt it?

i love you.

but it hurts.

i know. i love you, dearest.

i know. but it hurts. will you ever let it stop hurting?

....

why arent you answering me? why cant you tell me? why cant you promise me what i ask? i dont want to think anymore. i dont.

you need to love me.

i try. you know i try.

i know. you need to love me.

fine. i can say it a million times over. millions of times. but i cant make myself feel it, God. you are going to have to do that. i need you to pursue me. i cant make myself love you. i cant. goodnight now... i love you.

i love you too, dearest. good night.