generations

on June 20th, 12 years ago, i began to say something to the world.

i gave it a title.

"generations"

and i left a blank page.

this in itself is something i find poetic.

so i came across it 12 years older than i used to be.

and i put some words on the page

and i published it.

Parts and Pieces

 

Turning inward
to inspect my introspection

i am in the way

i must be in the way

because i am here 

i am all i see

i cannot see around myself

These ever-hidden parts of me

only others can see

Mysteries 

the truth of which sits

shelved in the corners of others' lives.

Me but not mine.

whole and partial

part and parcel

separately

tied together.

I have held my own absence

I have held my own breath

to watch my body breathe.

I have held my own.

See me

i invite you

i see you

as well

Together we can puzzle out the puzzling complexity of 

nothing special.

of everything real.

Title Lost

 Things are new and different but still the same. A new day lighting an old room.

Too many questions.

Why won't you believe me?

Grief is as big as we are.

But grief stays the same and we grow around it. It never gets smaller, we get bigger. Our lives and memories keep growing because we are still alive.

You'll always be bigger than my grief.

the pain we all go through... right?

 I have to control how I express my feelings because you can't control how you feel about mine.

"Life's Not Fair" (TM) and other things i've believed. Also titled "mom, your dad was awful, don't take his advice anymore."

1. We aren't valuable so we are expendable and should be grateful we're allowed to exist. Others' emotions trump mine.

2. "Sometimes you have to hurt others"

3. "sticking to the narrative is more important than your own emotions about what's going on. lock them down and move forward anyway"

4. I deserve to watch myself destroy what I love. I deserve to see the pain in graphic detail.

5. I'm just one of those sad people who doesn't get to have friends because I happen to have undesirable/irredeemable/unfortunate defects in my personality.

Things I might believe now.

Maybe being family means you would choose each other.