damn it...i'm wrong.

as the thunder shakes the room...

when she felt overwhelmed by school, she'd call her parents, begging their permission to come home. it was finals and nursing school gets pretty tough. she'd cry on the phone to them to let her come home and forget all of it. they'd tell her she could...but she had to get through her exams first. if she got through her exams and still wanted to come home, she could. every time, she called them. every time, she made it through exams. every time, she stayed.

now i want to call her. i want her to tell me things to comfort me. she knows exactly what to tell me. she knows.

mom, it's too hard. i'm never going to make it. i'm just going to flunk out. i'm going to fail. i cant do this.

ok, fail.

but i cant!

yes you can. it's okay to fail. God will love you if you fail. we will love you if you fail. and things will go on. you have to trust that God's plan for you is the best plan. even if it means you fail.

i can't fail.

then dont fail. look, just go back and do what you can tonight. then do what you can tomorrow. if you fail, God will take care of you.

and then i feel better, get some work done, and go to sleep...but mom's not awake right now. and if she is, she's at work. so i make up conversations like this to keep me going. it helps a little sometimes.

i miss my mom.

this whole ordeal has made me physically sick.

GRRRRR

stupid, oppressive nazi school. they are creating a generation that, instead of loving people, will look down on them. the problem is that they will think they are looking down on them when reality they are standing eye to eye. i honestly cannot believe that they were going to watch MY blog! or that anything i say could get HER expelled. THAT'S IN-FUCKING-SANE! and most likely, horribly illegal.

on fall's approach

daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
youre a poem of mystery
youre the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
youre the voice that i like
needlework and seedlings
in the way youre walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
-sam beam

a sudden, heavy chill rests in my chest and on my back, weighing heavier with each passing fall day. nearing the winter that presses me down; blankets folded tightly in the attic. sudden memories of things ive never known, and in the darkness i trace my fingers over the worn letters; recognizing songs ive never heard, but whose tune ive whispered to myself on the days my mind wandered across the mountains.
_______

love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-sam beam

not all who wander...

i'm wandering in between unwritten fictions. soft and silently swirling as tendrils of smoke from cigarettes. momentary solitude, dreams weaving in the corners of forgotten memories. rooms red and orange. warm rooms with stained wood. wonderful rooms with wonderful thoughts, my mind resides, only too quickly pulled from sleeping wakefulness.

i can see your face so clearly but i cannot remember it before you loved me. i cannot remember the pain and longing and hurt i felt. ive felt for the scars, but they arent there. i thought theyd never heal. there are still broken pieces, sharp points that dig painfully sometimes. cut a little. but the scars are disappearing faster every day.

so i just found out i have unlimited texting.

go figure.

text me!

sick to death

i hate this place. i want to leave.

i want to get off the meal plan. it makes me sick.

i dont feel good. i want to go to sleep...but i cant, i have work to do. (if my head doesnt explode first)

did i mention i hate this place?

i'll throw that fucking phone out the window if it beeps just one more time. i swear i will.

i hate my body...it hates me. it wont let me eat. it's not so slowly killing me.