valley...

i was headed down. through the trees, around the rocks, splashing through the cold mountain streams, and into the fading golden light. leaves crunched and sticks cracked loudly under my bare feet and the moss was soft and cool. i gently caressed the lichen spotted trunks as i balanced on their roots in the cooling evening. chill began to settle, and the air became wet with the dew that drifted in and out with each breath. the rocks grew sharper, and the darkness deeper. the cold stars shone on night-blackened leaves as i wandered, darkness settling, stifling hope that flared with the last of the sun's light. now i was lost...and the darkness whispered. speaking of the evils it held in its midst. threatening of the things unknown and nameless. slippery, the leaves underfoot threatened to pull me down onto the sharp rocks and tear the tender flesh of my knees. tears streamed down my face as the moon watched my stumbling deep in the trees. stabbing through the openings in the leaf latticed sky. i couldnt see. i fell. bruised and broken, i lay in the wet leaves in the ditch that cut deep into the valley, cradling my limp form. i couldnt rise for the weight of the the blackness, soft, smothering, suffocating.

i woke to the morning light streaming through the windows. the coolness of the room seemed to echo my memory of the nightdark. stretching, i turned over, waiting for the alarm to sound to signal the official arrival of my day. for that moment of inexistence, where there were no demands, no reasons, nothing but the covers and the crisp morning, i was new. yet i remembered the darkness wrapping me tighter like a cold, black sheet, slowly constricting my chest...and then i knew that somehow, during the night, i had left the ditch. i had left the damp, wet leaves, and i had begun to climb. upways again toward the rising lightness in the east. it was not my own strength that pulled me from the ditch...the handmarks bruising my arms serve to betray the help of another. during the nightdark, he had pulled me out, and placed me where i may be able to once again climb towards the greater light; saving me from the cold indifference of the lesser.

to him: thank you.

i am tired

i am tired and restless. so much is different yet so much the same. i hate this time, this time where i feel like im teetering on a precipice and my stomach drops at each waver of balace as i lean further out over the edge. everything has been so incredibly hectic. i cant believe im back. last semester was all i knew, and now its so different. im going to run away. i wandered around campus, looking for someone, hoping someone would find me at this hour. i wanted to go down by the pond, i wanted to go somewhere, with someone...though i dont know who. i cant ask. i cant ask what i want to ask. i cant ask that of them. its not my place. its not my right. and asking would just be wrong. wrong for me. where shall i go now? where shall i wander...im so tired, yet i cannot sleep. im so hungry, yet i cannot eat. im so...lost right now. i dont know how, but thats what i feel like. this is the strangest feeling right now. im just so...stressed, i guess. eh, maybe the toga party in catacombs will help. i cant wait til open dorms...and im not really sure why.

so i walked outside today....

...on my break and i sat down on this nice little bench on campus. i suddenly realized that, though i had the entire bench to myself, i was seated off to the right. i wondered about this...it was like i left a space for someone. then i realized that i sleep on the right side of the bed. and i sleep on my right side. i am right-winged, right-handed, and right-sided. i must have the aisle on my right-hand side, and when i get into the backseat, i must sit on the right. i drive with my right hand, even though i drive stick. i carry my purse on my right shoulder and when i cross my arms guess which is on top? yep.

hmm. i left a space. like i was saving someone a seat. maybe someday i'll find that person who goes on my left. the person i've always saved a spot for.

that four-letter word

is it a list? a long iteration of qualities and talents that is checked off at every meeting and opportunity? a "best fit deal?" a 'well, you fit 82% of the requirements, so i guess you win' thing?

or is it a set of scales? with one side labeled 'good' and the other 'not so good.' with qualities that fill up each dish and the final judgement witheld til the end. a good vs. bad thing?

or is it a hiding place? a sweet and quiet niche where you place your hopes and dreams. a secret room where you wait quietly for another to care enough to seek you out and find you, then you sit and talk forever. and there's no rush, and you have the rest of your lives. you slowly show them around the room, letting them see each hope, each fragile dream. and they do not laugh, or jeer, or roll their eyes. but merely smile and listen with honest interest as it comes softly shining in each other's eyes.

this is the newest addition to our family. her name is Isabella, but we call her Belle. she's about 3 months old and is about the size of my dog, a border collie named Sammie. sorry about the lack of wit in this post. i just didnt feel up to it.

The Parting Glass

All the money that e'er I had
I spent it in good company
And all the harm I've ever done
Alas,It was to none but me
And all I've done for want of wit
To memory now,I can't recall
So fill to me the parting glass
Goodnight and joy be to you all!

Fill to me the parting glass
And drink a health whate'er befalls
Then gently rise and softly call
Goodnight and joy be to you all!

Of all the comrades that e'er I had
They're sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had
They'd wish me one more day to stay.
Since it fell into my lot
that I should rise,and you should not
I'll gently rise and softly call
Goodnight and joy be to you all!

But since it fell into my lot
That I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and softly call
Goodnight and joy be to you all!

So fill to me the parting glass
And drink a health whate'er befalls
Then gently rise and softly call
Goodnight and joy be to you all!

closing song to waking ned divine