it was intentional...

I think I probably have about 15 blogs.  That's gotta say something about me.  They seem to all start out as a playce to bare my innermost self, to play withe words, to leave off punctuation     .

But then i forget them.  I forget to be smart enough, creative enough, witty enough 

for myself.

my standards.

i'm never what i wanted to be.

but i think i might like who i am... for the most part, at least.

And that's saying a (whole heckuva) lot as i remember looking in the mirror and vowing to never pull back my hair because I looked like a boy.  I remember despising every fibre of myself when I stood silently under their hateful, judging eyes.  I was such a sad child.  Everyone thought I was shy, but I think I was really just sad.  and scared of being hated.

Now I can feel it better, like a cold, off-blue wave creeping toward me.  Sometimes I can manage to jump as it hits, floating over its surface; keep breathing.  other times i can't jump high enough.  Most of my childhood was spent drowning... and no one knew; not even me.

would you kindly look your best?

i think something confusingly sad has wandered into my life. sad, good, sweet, soft,

sadly sweet

but there's no bitter, this isn't bittersweet.

just sad.

i think my friend's back.

the sweetness is only that of familiarity.

i'm going to go clean him away.

there's this girl i know.  i hesitate to call her friend because of the past year or so, yet she is someone for whom i care deeply.  i've tried to explain the distance to myself so many times, but i suppose it's just the both of us, trying to be distant but foiling our own ends by pretending we're close.  her bitterness and fear is palpable, just as much so as i imagine mine to be.  a sad thing in the end, really.

i mention her because she was my roommate.  when she first came she was an art major.  she's meant for something else, but she chose art for her degree.  she's much too organized to be an artist.  anyway, the point is that i always feel so judged and belittled by her whenever i voice an opinion on art.  granted, i'm not going to say that my opinions on the great masters' work is a well informed one, and i won't say i know more about theory or history than she does.  i won't say that any skill that i have is more developed than hers; however, i do believe that i have a right to comment on art and what i believe it is.

first, there are two types of art that i see as very distinct but which have been often categorized as the same thing.  Art and Craft.  it's odd that those two words conjure up the images they do when a single 's' is added to the end of each, but the two words define the two facets quite neatly.  art is a communication of something human to others, while craft is deliberate creation through skill.  both have the capacity for immense creativity, inspiration and influence, but just because one calls the thing one creates 'art' does not immediately confer these qualities upon the work.  

another quality that can distinguish pieces in either category is what i like to think of as 'open' and 'closed' pieces.  i generally feel that an artist/craftsman creates one or the other on a regular basis, with unexpected appearances of the opposite on occasion.  

open work is something quite indescribable.  it'll cause you to stop at times, and stare.  the female form is most often an open work in itself; men and women both have been captivated by it for ages.  most pieces cheat a little and recreate that form in some medium or other... borrowing art from another artist.  open art has a way of making you stare longer, come back to a piece again; the powerful pieces seem to send tendrils of themselves of some communication into your brain and lodge themselves there, like they were flowing into the place they were meant to be.  as if there were some small void in one's being that was unfelt until something took its rightful place there.  

closed work has much more of a finality.  good work of this category feels stable, finished, complete.  there's no yearning for completion in it, but a solidity like a boulder sunk into the soft ground with moss settling in its corners.  or a smooth, unbroken field.  pure geometrics seem to be the distilled form of this quality.  they don't allow you to become a part of them, but instead rest beside you.

doctors are sadists who think they're God and like to watch other people scream.

i want a baby.

thoughts on leaving

"In all things…Christ pre-eminent."

You've made these words ring hollow, Covenant.  My heart breaks for those you've driven away in your blindness.

addendum to a high-schooler's insight

innocence is bliss, ignorance is embarrassing, knowledge is painful, but wisdom is knowing it's all woven together for good.

soleil

the heat of summer strained through the skin of spring

pressing out against the world

overdue

and yearning to be let out into the rainwet world

strong chords resonating diaphragm deep

leading forward, pulling through your chest

drawing out the joy that hides

It's tantamount to giving a jew a swastika christmas ornament.

Never get me anything fleece.  Fleece and I are archenemies.  

this is THE most fucked up website i've seen

Just see for yourself.

It looks kinda normal...until you try and read what it's saying. I dare you to understand what some of those comments are communicating.

i've a feeling...

that all my training in psychotherapy is just going to come down to this:

Loving relationship heals.

There.  All the research from the past 100 years into all the ins and outs of people's minds summed up for you.

And God said it first.

song for asher

http://hypem.com/search/breathe%20nalick/1/

buzzzzzing

there's no way i can sleep right now. i fell asleep for an hour and now that i've decided to go to bed, i can't get back to sleep. i'm just really bothered by what's been happening lately.

i'm just too busy to do everything right now.
here's my list: (in no particular order)
dishes when i can
keep room neatish
fold clothes
get enough sleep
remember to start meds
keep close eye on credit cards for a large purchase i made
come up with budget for wedding
call venue and see if the date can be moved at all w/0 losing $300
call mom to get addresses
mail more support letters
get in touch with jason lehn about support letters and late money
attempt to get in touch with my future mother-in-law (difficult to do when no one picks up the phone) to
explain that i don't hate her
try and get some answers on why there's a problem with the date
explain that i want to work things out for the best for everyone
attempt to get in touch with my family and tell them to try and call his family
make my appointment on friday
begin to acquire and read 60+ resources for my SIP
check due dates to make sure i'm not late on anything
find a wedding coordinator i can afford
make lunch dates with three friends (and somehow keep them w/0 a car)
clean the dishes i make at his house
write and turn in a resume in 2 days
set up meeting with alecia by tomorrow
find the hours for the french lab i'm supposed to do by tomorrow
get invitations made and out in a month
get more info on the job (but from whom?)
finalize a budget limit
search for a reception venue that'll be open, affordable, and w/0 a corking fee
look for an affordable dress online and go dress shopping at a time when someone can go with me
look for affordable bridesmaid dresses
keep my parents updated on wedding plans
keep his parents updated on wedding plans
keep my maid of honor updated on wedding plans
prepare for berlin trip
find time to exercise
spend time with him
resolve the random disputes that tend to crop up in stressful times
help him find a car
schedule surgical procedure
schedule several dentist visits
find a way to have money for a security deposit
find an affordable apartment if the job won't work out
find out if we could have internet at that house
get schoolwork in on time (find some way to plan ahead effectively...something i haven't figured out yet)

and yet, i'm apparently a terrible person because i haven't been able to keep in touch enough and because i haven't been keeping everyone up-to-date on every thought and consideration i've had about the wedding.

there. i'm sure there's a lot more on the list (i've almost completely neglected the specifics of school due dates)...but there it is.

i have a lot to do. i can't do everything. it's not fair for people to blame me for not doing what they think i should be doing. i don't have time for their shoulds, i only have time for whatever i can get done.

M: she has a juicy butt....

M: by which i mean it says juicy

A: you have a one track mind...the PENIS TRACK

A: because christianity is confined to the size of your package

A: you could just send the y chromosome home.

M: ok, guys, go home. (looks at crotch and points out the door)

A: i think we have another x chromosome in the fridge.

live the poetry you cannot write

A poet is an unhappy being whose heart is torn by secret sufferings, but whose lips are so strangely formed that when the sighs and the cries escape them, they sound like beautiful music... and then people crowd about the poet and say to him: "Sing for us soon again;" that is as much as to say, "May new sufferings torment your soul." ~Soren Kierkegaard

Ink runs from the corners of my mouth
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating poetry.
~Mark Strand

There's no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money, either. ~Robert Graves

Poetry is a mirror which makes beautiful that which is distorted. ~Percy Shelley


A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer.... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it. A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring. ~E.B. White

To be a poet is a condition, not a profession. ~Robert Frost

The poet, as everyone knows, must strike his individual note sometime between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five. He may hold it a long time, or a short time, but it is then that he must strike it or never. School and college have been conducted with the almost express purpose of keeping him busy with something else till the danger of his ever creating anything is past. ~Robert Frost

You can tear a poem apart to see what makes it tick.... You're back with the mystery of having been moved by words. The best craftsmanship always leaves holes and gaps... so that something that is not in the poem can creep, crawl, flash or thunder in. ~Dylan Thomas

I grew up in this town, my poetry was born between the hill and the river, it took its voice from the rain, and like the timber, it steeped itself in the forests. ~Pablo Neruda

Poetry is the art of substantiating shadows. ~Edmund Burke

Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood. ~T.S. Eliot

Each man carries within him the soul of a poet who died young. ~Sainte-Beuve

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or can even enjoy poetry, without a certain unsoundness of mind. ~Thomas Babington Macaulay

The poem is the point at which our strength gave out. ~Richard Rosen


Poetry should... should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts, and appear almost a remembrance. ~John Keats

I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world.
Russell Baker




A poet must leave traces of his passage, not proof.

Rene Char

God is the perfect poet.

Robert Browning

a cracked polystyrene man

i'm listening to 'fake plastic trees' on repeat and low volume. it's the first time i've checked out the lyrics (i'm completely awful at catching them while listening) and i think i'm in love with this song. i'm also falling for radiohead in general.

i'm peaking on my stimulant and i'm energetic and happy and restless. it's weird how drugs can artificially induce feelings that are normally fueled by situational elements. like that ecstatic restlessness i get sometimes, or that overwhelming feeling of happiness that can bring tears to my eyes, or a crazy desire to clean and organize EVERYTHING.

or the feeling of caffeine flowing in your veins...feels similar, just weaker, to when the nurse injects the delodid into your IV and you feel a shivery energy sweep over your body.

that whole radioactive dye thing though...i have yet to equate that with anything i know. it's a deep, soft-burning warmth that spreads slowly through your body, creating a metallic taste in your mouth, a strange sensation in your eyes, and an overwhelming, burning need to pee in your nether regions.

it is wholly possible that i misunderstand the lyrics

but to me "upwards over the mountain" makes me want a son.

"mother remember the blink of an eye when i breathed through your body
so may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
sons are like birds flying always over the mountain."

[this is a mental note for me]

encourage biblical confrontation

'niceness' - interaction with another person intended to not make a person feel any negative feelings

my mother is the most beautiful person i know.

most of my problems with covenant can be distilled down to:

they justify what they do that isn't very biblical with "well, we're an academic institution." and they justify everything else with "we're a religious institution."

--------------exposition---------------

in my opinion, they have not done well enough at either of their "goals" to make me proud to be here.

some people are paying their own way with loans. these people deserve a better answer to the question "why" than "because we know what's best for you."

perhaps it's because my parents always explained why they had the rules they did...

i just want the same amount of respect my parents paid me when i was 8 from my college. is that too much to ask? i want the respect that comes with authenticity, straightforwardness, and honesty.