i have come to consider that perhaps the lauding of masculinity is the greatest indication of the lack of it.

translation please...

The death, this is the death
but love, this is love
The death, this is only the death
but love, this is love

just a few things...

there are a few lyrics that just seem to say something they never said before.

This is no great illusion;
when I’m with you I’m looking for a ghost or invisible reasons
to fall out of love and run screaming from our home.
__

But you are what you love,
and not what loves you back.
That’s why I’m here on your doorstep,
pleading for you to take me back

And the phone is a fine invention—it allows me to talk endlessly to you,
about nothing, disguising my intentions,
which I’m afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue.
It’s a sleight of hand, a white soul band,
the heart attacks I’m convinced I have
every morning upon waking.
To you I’m a symbol or a monument,
your rite of passage to fulfillment,
but I’m not yours for the taking

But you are what you love,
and not what loves you back.
So I guess that’s why you keep calling me back.

I’m fraudulent, a thief at best,
a coward who paints a bullshit canvas;
things that will never happen to me.

La mort, c'est la mort
mais l'amour, c'est l'amour
La mort, c'est seulement la mort
mais l'amour, c'est l'amour

yay for a free scanner!

Now all i need is a seal kit to fix my camera so it doesnt do that overexposure thing you see to the left.

This is one of my favorite pictures that i've taken...though i think it's quite ironic that i'm lactose intolerant.

[a year old]

something caught in the back of your chest, just behind your lungs. tugging with longing until the sharp paint comes because it's tugging in a direction you cant follow. and whether you feel it with cold goosebumps in the woods or with dusty bare feet with the sun burning your skin, you know it's the same thing that called people from their families so long ago, searching for what had such a grip on their hearts.
sitting at the airport alone, looking at the detail of the weave of your suitcase with the chill of the air conditioning on your arms and back and at that moment, you can feel every sensation magnified a thousand times, like pressing on the edge of a knife. and somehow, the veil is thinner here, and all the distractions are seen apart from the reality and you realize something language has yet to comprehend.

use this button to type in hindi

Is it bad that I would love this car more than anything shiny with a guidance system?

And if it ran, that's a perk.

damn it all. i wanted to go to bed at like 8...stayed up on the internet until 11 and now i cant sleep. oh, also, i realized i have to work tomorrow so i might as well stay up and then go to bed later and be groggy for work. good heavens, will the vicious cycle never freaking end?

If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian

I'm completely in love with this song. I hadn't looked up the lyrics until tonight...the only real part that I knew was "If I could do just one near perfect thing, I'd be happy," and it just seems so true to me sometimes, but the rest of the song is fascinating as well.

I wrote a letter on a nothing day
I asked somebody “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope”
I said goodbye to someone that I love
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us
And it was hard
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy
Someone above has seen me do alright
Someone above is looking with a tender eye
Upon her face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang about and be there with my best friend
If she wants me

And far away somebody read the letter
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all his curious nerve and his passion

I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all
But life is good and “It’s always worth living at least for a while”

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang about and be there with my best friend
If she wants me

If you think to yourself “What should I do now?”
Then take the baton, girl, you better run with it
There is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with

I took a book and went into the forest
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home

i suppose i'm afraid of a doll in a doll's house.

it's becoming more real.

more of a threat.

and i'm afraid.

last night...

we were at my old house, moving out the last bit of furniture and boxes. suddenly there was this roaring sound and smoke began to filter through the cracks in the door. i opened the door and flames shot out, fueled by the fresh oxygen. i shut the door quickly and ran to get out of the window. something was gnawing at the back of my mind, i was forgetting something. i looked back and saw the exposed gas line. quickly i grabbed what i could and covered it, running into the bathroom, i grabbed a stuffed animal and soaked it in water. i placed it over the valve to the gas line and then went out of the window, hoping that i had bought more time than i'd spent. everyone had made it out and they were waiting for me on the lawn. i got there and realized all the dogs were still inside. i looked back and all three of them were running toward us from the burning house. i grabbed them and put leashes on them to keep them safe with us. the house didn't explode...and the fire died down. though the fire was out, there was still the danger of the gas igniting and the whole house exploding. we carefully worked around the house, trying to do something. someone decided to put up a big, plastic grid just a few inches off the ground. it was hooked up to the gas line and if it was pulled hard enough, it would break the line and the gas would escape...causing an explosion. we tripped over the plastic several times and each time, everyone caught their breath and we all knew that we could die at any minute.
*********
i was with him and some other guy. they were walking ahead of me. they didnt want me following, but i did anyway. the other guy turned off but i still kept following him. we came to a wooden bridge that hung over a deep ditch and he suddenly turned around and yelled at me. he was so angry because i was following him. i stood there, stunned and on the verge of tears. he whirled around and continued off. i sat down on the bridge to wait for him to come back. he'd told me to go away, so i would wait for him. ahead, i could see him entering the swamp. he met two guys there who were using this very strange contraption to sort of "fish." they weren't getting anywhere with it, so i went over there, despite my strong desire to just wait, and tried to see if i could help them. i took the boat-thing and drifted off into the swamp..."fishing" i suppose, when behind me, i heard one of the guys scream. he was yelling "get it off me, it's on my foot!" i figured they could take care of themselves so i continued to quietly float around the swamp. the guy continued to yell despite the feeble attempts at help, so i turned around and we used the net on the boat-thing to catch the small alligator that had decided to attack him. it was about four feet in length, but it's tail had been chewed halfway off (though it had healed). we proceeded to get the alligator out of the net and hold his mouth shut so he couldnt bite us. on the way back to the house, we ended up catching two more, both much larger than the first.
************

they were part of a crowd that liked to pretend time had stopped. a time when they thought things were better, places were more opulent, women held a quiet kind of class, and the men smelled of cigars, expensive alcohol, and heavy, woolen suits. they liked to pretend.

the two women hated each other, though they were forced, for appearances, to use the same hotel suite to dress that night. their relationship had passed as friendship in their circles for most of the time they had known each other, but there was always a bitter jealousy behind their eyes and clenched between their teeth when they smiled at each other. anger burned between them as they tied their dresses on and hung their heavy diamonds around their too slender necks. their husbands were already at the bar, pretending with the others. the women tried to ignore each other more venomously with each layer of pretense they placed on their bodies. the anger in their eyes shone with more fire than the glassy stones strung around their necks and dangling from their ears.

...

when in the prescence of a king, do not ask for small gifts

God, i pray you would fill my vision;
blind me;
engulf all who stand before me.
Lord, i pray you would deafen me;
silence all other voices
in my head,
in my heart,
in my ear.
Father, i pray to know nothing but
your
love
in my heart;
to feel no touch
but yours.
Abba, i pray for you.
i want you.
ravish me.

May all your expectations be frustrated
May all your plans be thwarted
May all your desires be withered into nothingness
That you may experience the powerlessness
And poverty of a child
And sing and dance in the love of God
Who is Father
Son
And Spirit
Amen.

i miss my friend who wrote 'i love you'
and meant it.
i miss the time when she was open and loving.
i miss the time when she was understanding
and not condescending.
i miss her playful attitude.
i miss the time when she was willing to admit
she might be wrong.
i miss the time when she didn't think she knew
everything.
i miss the time when she didn't act
like she was better than me.
she was real then.
she's fake now.
i miss my friend.

i want your flowers like babies

sometimes im sure my dreams are full of all sorts of symbolic imagery and meaning. if i could only decode the confusion, i'd know a lot more about myself.

like poetry that is telling you something you can't understand...but you know it's true...and it's beautiful.

like a song that speaks secrets to you in a voice of chords and strings.

secret things you know are true.

::very loud sounds of frustration::

so all i want to do is switch global trends from mask to haddad. you would think this would be an easy little 1-2-3 operation, but no. i have to get a form and then try and find my advisor to get him to sign it. i honestly see this as a big waste of his and my time. i dont have time for these stupid hoops. IM SWITCHING PROFESSORS IN A CORE CLASS! this has NOTHING to do with my major. my advisor COULDNT CARE LESS! this is completely ridiculous and unnecessary. i'm a fucking junior in college, this college is entirely too expensive as it is, do you really think i would sabotage my last year here? or that i'm stupid enough to do that? JUST CHANGE THE FREAKING SECTION AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

i know you forgot
or you didnt see it.

but there's a part of me that screams out that you did it on purpose. that you're turning me off too.

but i know you forgot.
i know you didnt see it.

but that part is still afraid of what you might do to me. there's still a little child who's terrified every day someone will leave her...

i dont trust you to stay.
i dont want to trust anyone.
you cant ask me to trust you.

im confused.

im driving home tomorrow.
im leaving home tomorrow.
they want be to come back.
a fresh start is so inviting...
theyve always taught me that problems follow you.
it's a theory ive never tested.
i dont know if i ever will take that chance.

why am i so scared right now?

... L’amour de Dieu est folie...

to die would be an awfully big adventure