Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
as the thunder shakes the room...
when she felt overwhelmed by school, she'd call her parents, begging their permission to come home. it was finals and nursing school gets pretty tough. she'd cry on the phone to them to let her come home and forget all of it. they'd tell her she could...but she had to get through her exams first. if she got through her exams and still wanted to come home, she could. every time, she called them. every time, she made it through exams. every time, she stayed.
now i want to call her. i want her to tell me things to comfort me. she knows exactly what to tell me. she knows.
mom, it's too hard. i'm never going to make it. i'm just going to flunk out. i'm going to fail. i cant do this.
ok, fail.
but i cant!
yes you can. it's okay to fail. God will love you if you fail. we will love you if you fail. and things will go on. you have to trust that God's plan for you is the best plan. even if it means you fail.
i can't fail.
then dont fail. look, just go back and do what you can tonight. then do what you can tomorrow. if you fail, God will take care of you.
and then i feel better, get some work done, and go to sleep...but mom's not awake right now. and if she is, she's at work. so i make up conversations like this to keep me going. it helps a little sometimes.
i miss my mom.
now i want to call her. i want her to tell me things to comfort me. she knows exactly what to tell me. she knows.
mom, it's too hard. i'm never going to make it. i'm just going to flunk out. i'm going to fail. i cant do this.
ok, fail.
but i cant!
yes you can. it's okay to fail. God will love you if you fail. we will love you if you fail. and things will go on. you have to trust that God's plan for you is the best plan. even if it means you fail.
i can't fail.
then dont fail. look, just go back and do what you can tonight. then do what you can tomorrow. if you fail, God will take care of you.
and then i feel better, get some work done, and go to sleep...but mom's not awake right now. and if she is, she's at work. so i make up conversations like this to keep me going. it helps a little sometimes.
i miss my mom.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
GRRRRR
stupid, oppressive nazi school. they are creating a generation that, instead of loving people, will look down on them. the problem is that they will think they are looking down on them when reality they are standing eye to eye. i honestly cannot believe that they were going to watch MY blog! or that anything i say could get HER expelled. THAT'S IN-FUCKING-SANE! and most likely, horribly illegal.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
on fall's approach
daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
youre a poem of mystery
youre the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
youre the voice that i like
needlework and seedlings
in the way youre walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
-sam beam
a sudden, heavy chill rests in my chest and on my back, weighing heavier with each passing fall day. nearing the winter that presses me down; blankets folded tightly in the attic. sudden memories of things ive never known, and in the darkness i trace my fingers over the worn letters; recognizing songs ive never heard, but whose tune ive whispered to myself on the days my mind wandered across the mountains.
_______
love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-sam beam
sleeping dog beside you
youre a poem of mystery
youre the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
youre the voice that i like
needlework and seedlings
in the way youre walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
-sam beam
a sudden, heavy chill rests in my chest and on my back, weighing heavier with each passing fall day. nearing the winter that presses me down; blankets folded tightly in the attic. sudden memories of things ive never known, and in the darkness i trace my fingers over the worn letters; recognizing songs ive never heard, but whose tune ive whispered to myself on the days my mind wandered across the mountains.
_______
love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-sam beam
Thursday, September 14, 2006
not all who wander...
i'm wandering in between unwritten fictions. soft and silently swirling as tendrils of smoke from cigarettes. momentary solitude, dreams weaving in the corners of forgotten memories. rooms red and orange. warm rooms with stained wood. wonderful rooms with wonderful thoughts, my mind resides, only too quickly pulled from sleeping wakefulness.
i can see your face so clearly but i cannot remember it before you loved me. i cannot remember the pain and longing and hurt i felt. ive felt for the scars, but they arent there. i thought theyd never heal. there are still broken pieces, sharp points that dig painfully sometimes. cut a little. but the scars are disappearing faster every day.
i can see your face so clearly but i cannot remember it before you loved me. i cannot remember the pain and longing and hurt i felt. ive felt for the scars, but they arent there. i thought theyd never heal. there are still broken pieces, sharp points that dig painfully sometimes. cut a little. but the scars are disappearing faster every day.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
sick to death
i hate this place. i want to leave.
i want to get off the meal plan. it makes me sick.
i dont feel good. i want to go to sleep...but i cant, i have work to do. (if my head doesnt explode first)
did i mention i hate this place?
i'll throw that fucking phone out the window if it beeps just one more time. i swear i will.
i hate my body...it hates me. it wont let me eat. it's not so slowly killing me.
i want to get off the meal plan. it makes me sick.
i dont feel good. i want to go to sleep...but i cant, i have work to do. (if my head doesnt explode first)
did i mention i hate this place?
i'll throw that fucking phone out the window if it beeps just one more time. i swear i will.
i hate my body...it hates me. it wont let me eat. it's not so slowly killing me.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
interpretations anyone?
the red hills and white sky were unearthily clear and crisp. the ruins of the house were vivid and the texture of the wood was so intense that you could feel the sharpness of the splinters just by looking at it. it was windy and he was telling me about her. this other person from his past. someone he had loved; who had loved him. fear and insecurity welled up inside me and i wanted to run away. his eyes were distant and i felt small and insignificant. her beauty and wit made me a step down. and i felt it. i lifted my gaze, not to him but to the horizon and stared out over the red hills...alone.
the roots of the big tree were exaggerated, heaving up out of the ground. they were as big around as i was. i climbed over them, looking for the kittens. i had returned to see them and to play with them. something about their innocence that drew me back. but only one of the little balls of fur was left. he was a plain orange tabby. there had been many like him in the litter. he was unwanted, unremarkable; but he didnt know it and played just as happily as any young kitten. then i found the grey tabby. she was older, almost full grown, with vivid dark stripes on grey. she had white on her feet that reached up her stomach and almost touched on her back, but her head and chest were dark grey. her face was angular, almost egyptian, and her eyes were clear and intelligent; so intelligent that when i held her, i half expected her to murmur some secret to me.
an urgent feeling of danger was threading its way through the crew. i could hear it in their voices. their eyes focused and clear displayed the uncertainty and fear they all felt. no one tried to hide it. we were drifting farther and farther out into the black. we were out of fuel and swiftly moving away from the nearest source and out into nothingness. a feeling of helplessness and urgency swept over me. i felt caught. caught in that little rusted ship, mentally clawing around like a wild animal caught in a snare. i could almost feel the wire cutting into the skin of my neck and slowly constricting my breathing. i sat there, staring out the window into the nothingness where we would all spend the rest of our now shortened lives. the realization of our impending fate began to dawn on everyone. soon the power would go, and with it our heat...then the air. all that was left was waiting to see if we all froze to death or if we suffocated.
"freezing...i think freezing would be best" i muttered to the empty cabin. "ive always had a fear of suffocating..."
the roots of the big tree were exaggerated, heaving up out of the ground. they were as big around as i was. i climbed over them, looking for the kittens. i had returned to see them and to play with them. something about their innocence that drew me back. but only one of the little balls of fur was left. he was a plain orange tabby. there had been many like him in the litter. he was unwanted, unremarkable; but he didnt know it and played just as happily as any young kitten. then i found the grey tabby. she was older, almost full grown, with vivid dark stripes on grey. she had white on her feet that reached up her stomach and almost touched on her back, but her head and chest were dark grey. her face was angular, almost egyptian, and her eyes were clear and intelligent; so intelligent that when i held her, i half expected her to murmur some secret to me.
an urgent feeling of danger was threading its way through the crew. i could hear it in their voices. their eyes focused and clear displayed the uncertainty and fear they all felt. no one tried to hide it. we were drifting farther and farther out into the black. we were out of fuel and swiftly moving away from the nearest source and out into nothingness. a feeling of helplessness and urgency swept over me. i felt caught. caught in that little rusted ship, mentally clawing around like a wild animal caught in a snare. i could almost feel the wire cutting into the skin of my neck and slowly constricting my breathing. i sat there, staring out the window into the nothingness where we would all spend the rest of our now shortened lives. the realization of our impending fate began to dawn on everyone. soon the power would go, and with it our heat...then the air. all that was left was waiting to see if we all froze to death or if we suffocated.
"freezing...i think freezing would be best" i muttered to the empty cabin. "ive always had a fear of suffocating..."
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
couches in alleys
Hey Jack it's me,
I don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.
At the end of this road that climbs the horizon will be reached in a matter of miles.
And when the wheels cease to spin the walls and the fences will grow higher than redwood trees.
And I know your demise.
And I fear what will happen when the road fails to flow under me.
Oh Jack you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair.
When the wheels ceased to spin and I cased my surroundings, I realized I hadn't gone anywhere.
When the problems I'd left with couches in alleys, where no one would ever claim.
And the hardest part was sifting through the pieces of the rain soaked and rotten remains when I got home.
-styrofoam ft. ben gibbard
I don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.
At the end of this road that climbs the horizon will be reached in a matter of miles.
And when the wheels cease to spin the walls and the fences will grow higher than redwood trees.
And I know your demise.
And I fear what will happen when the road fails to flow under me.
Oh Jack you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair.
When the wheels ceased to spin and I cased my surroundings, I realized I hadn't gone anywhere.
When the problems I'd left with couches in alleys, where no one would ever claim.
And the hardest part was sifting through the pieces of the rain soaked and rotten remains when I got home.
-styrofoam ft. ben gibbard
it's my favorite time of evening, when sun is setting and the sky is soft and warm, making blue and orange reflections on the cars. the dusk is setting in and the lights around the city have just come on, competing with the sunset for the brightest light. the purple neon from lupis is reflecting in the newly rain-washed windows of the cars parked outside and the sky is turning from orange to pink with a hint of violet where the pink fades into the blue. i wish i had my camera...i have color film in it right now.
Monday, June 05, 2006
im feeling like i want to say something
something...
a jumbled up mud of colors
wanting to be letters, sounds, words
music notes perhaps
lots of blue
choking on a few forgotten phrases
and memories
pulling the long string of thought
from my mouth
eyes are green
but hands are red
for the first time
heart is strong
strength is heart
raw
burned from the leaving
and lingering.
ive been absolutely fascinated by light for the past few months. i stop dead, staring at the way light is hitting something. studying every nuance of the source, shadow, and how it falls softly, like a fine powder sometimes...other times like a piece of broken slate. even lights in a river, making their rainbow colors wait for your attention, theyre just a little shy. nineteen lights reflect in two picture frames. streetlights line up, each one reaching a ray out to touch the middle of the windshield; holding on, stretching until the bright line snaps back to wait for another passing car. the curved edge of light from recessed spotlights, the two distorted ovals from a lamp. beams caught and cut by the sharp edges of glass. im fascinated, absolutely in love. weird isnt it?
something...
a jumbled up mud of colors
wanting to be letters, sounds, words
music notes perhaps
lots of blue
choking on a few forgotten phrases
and memories
pulling the long string of thought
from my mouth
eyes are green
but hands are red
for the first time
heart is strong
strength is heart
raw
burned from the leaving
and lingering.
ive been absolutely fascinated by light for the past few months. i stop dead, staring at the way light is hitting something. studying every nuance of the source, shadow, and how it falls softly, like a fine powder sometimes...other times like a piece of broken slate. even lights in a river, making their rainbow colors wait for your attention, theyre just a little shy. nineteen lights reflect in two picture frames. streetlights line up, each one reaching a ray out to touch the middle of the windshield; holding on, stretching until the bright line snaps back to wait for another passing car. the curved edge of light from recessed spotlights, the two distorted ovals from a lamp. beams caught and cut by the sharp edges of glass. im fascinated, absolutely in love. weird isnt it?
Thursday, May 25, 2006
1 Corinthians 3
1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building.
10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
16Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 17If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
18Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise. 19For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: "He catches the wise in their craftiness"[a]; 20and again, "The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile."[b] 21So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, 22whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas[c] or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, 23and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building.
10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
16Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 17If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
18Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise. 19For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: "He catches the wise in their craftiness"[a]; 20and again, "The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile."[b] 21So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, 22whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas[c] or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, 23and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
terza rima
Stepping gently across the floor
it creaks, a dry and splintered sound
reflecting the dusty-smelling, silver boards
broken and opened, windows to the ground.
The walls are thinning like their yellow-painted planes,
and I know that, without feeling, no surface can be found.
Sunlight casting silhouettes through rippled window panes
onto foreign furniture I know to be my own,
bleaching out the color from the faded wooden frame
and thinning quilt, hand-pieced and ancient, sewn
by mother’s love. The scene in stillness lingered
in between, while outside, time had flown
softly by the window, as a kindly whispered word.
it creaks, a dry and splintered sound
reflecting the dusty-smelling, silver boards
broken and opened, windows to the ground.
The walls are thinning like their yellow-painted planes,
and I know that, without feeling, no surface can be found.
Sunlight casting silhouettes through rippled window panes
onto foreign furniture I know to be my own,
bleaching out the color from the faded wooden frame
and thinning quilt, hand-pieced and ancient, sewn
by mother’s love. The scene in stillness lingered
in between, while outside, time had flown
softly by the window, as a kindly whispered word.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
what's written on my arm
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you i trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
for in you i trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Monday, May 15, 2006
a severe case of humanity
couldnt sleep last night to save my life. it doesnt help that my cough is getting worse. getting up at 7am isnt fun (thats why i wait until 7:40). anyway, ive been completely and thoroughly confused. but nevermind that. this is my prayer:
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
(psalm 139)
8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
(psalm 143)
i pray for wisdom and guidance. Lord, dont let the eyes of my heart falter from you.
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
(psalm 139)
8Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
(psalm 143)
i pray for wisdom and guidance. Lord, dont let the eyes of my heart falter from you.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
old friends with an ex-con
today i got a facebook msg from one of my friends. he's a boy i played with when we were both nine or ten. i was overjoyed to find him, we used to have so much fun together. i asked him what he had been up to...guess what his answer was.
jail.
yes thats right. jail. he was incarcerated for six months for something (i dont want to know, my poor little tyler) but let out a bit early...probably for good behavior. he says he's trying to get his life back on track. thats wonderful and i wish him all the luck in the world.
why do i not feel safe now? i have an ex-con for a facebook friend...hell, more than that, i'd love to get in touch with him and really find out what kind of person he's turned out to be. but i just wouldnt feel safe. this is really killing me. i care about him a lot, he's one of the two reasons i got facebook. i cared enough to look him up. i would love to get to know him and maybe even become real good friends again...but then, people change a lot from when they were nine.
he's twenty years old and he already went to jail. probably stole something, hit a guy, something like that. it's just that my stomach turns every time i think about it. i care about this guy, but i'm torn because now i'm also scared of him.
jail.
yes thats right. jail. he was incarcerated for six months for something (i dont want to know, my poor little tyler) but let out a bit early...probably for good behavior. he says he's trying to get his life back on track. thats wonderful and i wish him all the luck in the world.
why do i not feel safe now? i have an ex-con for a facebook friend...hell, more than that, i'd love to get in touch with him and really find out what kind of person he's turned out to be. but i just wouldnt feel safe. this is really killing me. i care about him a lot, he's one of the two reasons i got facebook. i cared enough to look him up. i would love to get to know him and maybe even become real good friends again...but then, people change a lot from when they were nine.
he's twenty years old and he already went to jail. probably stole something, hit a guy, something like that. it's just that my stomach turns every time i think about it. i care about this guy, but i'm torn because now i'm also scared of him.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
a summary of nights
I have to confront my demons. My demons are wicked, and I am afraid.
I need to talk to my mother, and perhaps my uncle.
I don’t know who I am. I really don’t. It’s starting to scare me. I'm losing grip of something I should be holding onto for dear life. It’s slipping. Slowly and surely it’s slipping through my fingers. I don’t know if I ever had it…but I’m quickly losing it. Sometimes I have to just sit down and shake myself. Shake clear my head and figure out what’s good and right in the world again…and realize that it feels good and that it’s the direction that I need to be heading. But when I'm in the midst of it all, I can't see a thing.
I was in tears last night. I've been in tears the past few nights. The conversation tonight was hard because it made me realize how much I don’t have. There are aspects to my singleness that I value, but none of them are valued over that wonderful feeling of knowing you’re loved…or at least thinking it. perhaps what I am saying here is that I would almost prefer the deception of loving to living without it. I think many fall into that. It feels close enough and it will do, so we go ahead and do it. Sort of like replacing love with sex I suppose. You replace the actual feelings with the actions and you get something that feels close enough and helps alleviate that horrible feeling of being unloved. That’s what I feel right now.
I’m sad. I'm sad and hurting and feeling as unloved as a person can feel. I feel alone and unwanted. I want more than anything to crawl into my mother’s arms and have her hold me and sing to me and tell me that I am worth loving. I won’t believe it, but it helps me to fall asleep, and then I can forget everything.
_______________________________________________
Morning light sheds clarity on blind, nightly struggles. I’m struggling with the same demons that I’ve always had trouble with. They’re just so hard to recognize at night. In the morning I can see how the grasses were trampled with the struggles and I follow them back to the path they pulled me from. First of all and above everything I need to trust God. I am feeling unloved because I am allowing everyone around me to define me. I need to look to the Lord for my worth, my value. I need to be content in who He is and not in who others think I am, or whether or not others are loving towards me. I need to ask Him for strength to get through the outward struggles I am facing. I need to step back and gain perspective, and not the perspective that says “this is all useless and such a short span of time that nothing matters and everything you do is worthless,” but the perspective that says “God is so much bigger than any of this, and He’s on my side and loves me no matter what happens. It will be for the best even if I cannot see it now.” I need to let go. I need to give Him the control I am so jealously guarding.
Seeing this struggle for what it really is helps…and then it doesn’t. Seeing it makes me realize that it is the same struggle I’ve been fighting forever and I still haven’t won. Does this bring me any closer to winning? Will I win? Ever? Will I ever be settled and content and stable in this path I am seeking? If I am, will I know? Hopefully…
Abba, help me to feel like your child.
I need to talk to my mother, and perhaps my uncle.
I don’t know who I am. I really don’t. It’s starting to scare me. I'm losing grip of something I should be holding onto for dear life. It’s slipping. Slowly and surely it’s slipping through my fingers. I don’t know if I ever had it…but I’m quickly losing it. Sometimes I have to just sit down and shake myself. Shake clear my head and figure out what’s good and right in the world again…and realize that it feels good and that it’s the direction that I need to be heading. But when I'm in the midst of it all, I can't see a thing.
I was in tears last night. I've been in tears the past few nights. The conversation tonight was hard because it made me realize how much I don’t have. There are aspects to my singleness that I value, but none of them are valued over that wonderful feeling of knowing you’re loved…or at least thinking it. perhaps what I am saying here is that I would almost prefer the deception of loving to living without it. I think many fall into that. It feels close enough and it will do, so we go ahead and do it. Sort of like replacing love with sex I suppose. You replace the actual feelings with the actions and you get something that feels close enough and helps alleviate that horrible feeling of being unloved. That’s what I feel right now.
I’m sad. I'm sad and hurting and feeling as unloved as a person can feel. I feel alone and unwanted. I want more than anything to crawl into my mother’s arms and have her hold me and sing to me and tell me that I am worth loving. I won’t believe it, but it helps me to fall asleep, and then I can forget everything.
_______________________________________________
Morning light sheds clarity on blind, nightly struggles. I’m struggling with the same demons that I’ve always had trouble with. They’re just so hard to recognize at night. In the morning I can see how the grasses were trampled with the struggles and I follow them back to the path they pulled me from. First of all and above everything I need to trust God. I am feeling unloved because I am allowing everyone around me to define me. I need to look to the Lord for my worth, my value. I need to be content in who He is and not in who others think I am, or whether or not others are loving towards me. I need to ask Him for strength to get through the outward struggles I am facing. I need to step back and gain perspective, and not the perspective that says “this is all useless and such a short span of time that nothing matters and everything you do is worthless,” but the perspective that says “God is so much bigger than any of this, and He’s on my side and loves me no matter what happens. It will be for the best even if I cannot see it now.” I need to let go. I need to give Him the control I am so jealously guarding.
Seeing this struggle for what it really is helps…and then it doesn’t. Seeing it makes me realize that it is the same struggle I’ve been fighting forever and I still haven’t won. Does this bring me any closer to winning? Will I win? Ever? Will I ever be settled and content and stable in this path I am seeking? If I am, will I know? Hopefully…
Abba, help me to feel like your child.
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