i miss my friend who wrote 'i love you'
and meant it.
i miss the time when she was open and loving.
i miss the time when she was understanding
and not condescending.
i miss her playful attitude.
i miss the time when she was willing to admit
she might be wrong.
i miss the time when she didn't think she knew
everything.
i miss the time when she didn't act
like she was better than me.
she was real then.
she's fake now.
i miss my friend.

i want your flowers like babies

sometimes im sure my dreams are full of all sorts of symbolic imagery and meaning. if i could only decode the confusion, i'd know a lot more about myself.

like poetry that is telling you something you can't understand...but you know it's true...and it's beautiful.

like a song that speaks secrets to you in a voice of chords and strings.

secret things you know are true.

::very loud sounds of frustration::

so all i want to do is switch global trends from mask to haddad. you would think this would be an easy little 1-2-3 operation, but no. i have to get a form and then try and find my advisor to get him to sign it. i honestly see this as a big waste of his and my time. i dont have time for these stupid hoops. IM SWITCHING PROFESSORS IN A CORE CLASS! this has NOTHING to do with my major. my advisor COULDNT CARE LESS! this is completely ridiculous and unnecessary. i'm a fucking junior in college, this college is entirely too expensive as it is, do you really think i would sabotage my last year here? or that i'm stupid enough to do that? JUST CHANGE THE FREAKING SECTION AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

i know you forgot
or you didnt see it.

but there's a part of me that screams out that you did it on purpose. that you're turning me off too.

but i know you forgot.
i know you didnt see it.

but that part is still afraid of what you might do to me. there's still a little child who's terrified every day someone will leave her...

i dont trust you to stay.
i dont want to trust anyone.
you cant ask me to trust you.

im confused.

im driving home tomorrow.
im leaving home tomorrow.
they want be to come back.
a fresh start is so inviting...
theyve always taught me that problems follow you.
it's a theory ive never tested.
i dont know if i ever will take that chance.

why am i so scared right now?

... L’amour de Dieu est folie...

to die would be an awfully big adventure

life is heavy right now and i feel as if i am about to fall. those i've relied upon my entire life are proving untrustworthy. theyre leaving me behind. it feels like they forgot me...out of sight out of mind. im still your child, and though i may look grown up, i still need you. i'm about to enter into the hardest part of my life thus far...and i dont feel like i can trust you; you, whom i most need to trust. i need you. i need your help. i cannot do this alone. i feel isolated and abandoned. youre making up cheap excuses for your own laziness, and it angers me. my wellbeing is still in your hands...and it feels like you forgot it and left it behind somewhere. dropped carelessly on the floor. and yet, i'm not strong enough to stand up on my own, i'm still learning to walk. i still need you there. i miss you too...but i also know what's best for me right now. but i still miss you.

so much cheesy goodness...

i made macaroni and cheese in my room. i pretty much have given up on chartwells...

remember the mountain bed

Do you still sing of the mountain bed we made of limbs and leaves?
Do you still sigh there near the sky where the holly berry bleeds?
You laughed as I covered you over with leaves
Face, breast, hips, and thighs
You smiled when I said the leaves were just the color of your eyes

Rosin smells and turpentine smells from eucalyptus and pine
Bitter tastes of twigs we chewed where tangled wood vines twine
Trees held us in on all four sides so thick we could not see
I could not see any wrong in you, and you saw none in me

Your arm was brown against the ground, your cheeks part of the sky
Your fingers played with grassy moss, as limber you did lie
Your stomach moved beneath your shirt and your knees were in the air
Your feet played games with mountain roots as you lay thinking there

Below us the trees grew clumps of trees, raised families of trees, and they
As proud as we tossed their heads in the wind and flung good seeds away
The sun was hot and the sun was bright down in the valley below
Where people starved and hungry for life so empty come and go

There in the shade and hid from the sun we freed our minds and learned
Our greatest reason for being here, our bodies moved and burned
There on our mountain bed of leaves we learned life's reason why
The people laugh and love and dream, they fight, they hate to die

The smell of your hair I know is still there, if most of our leaves are blown
Our words still ring in the brush and the trees where singing seeds are sown
Your shape and form is dim but plain, there on our mountain bed
I see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head...

I learned the reason why man must work and how to dream big dreams
To conquer time and space and fight the rivers and the seas
I stand here filled with my emptiness now and look at city and land
And I know why farms and cities are built by hot, warm, nervous hands

I crossed many states just to stand here now, my face all hot with tears
I crossed city, and valley, desert, and stream, to bring my body here
My history and future blaze bright in me and all my joy and pain
Go through my head on our mountain bed where I smell your hair again.

All this day long I linger here and on in through the night
My greeds, desires, my cravings, hopes, my dreams inside me fight:
My loneliness healed, my emptiness filled, I walk above all pain
Back to the breast of my woman and child to scatter my seeds again

today was shit.

The Ache of Marriage

The ache of marriage:

thigh and tongue, beloved,
are heavy with it,
it throbs in the teeth

We look for communion
and are turned away, beloved,
each and each

It is leviathan and we
in its belly
looking for joy, some joy
not to be known outside it

two by two in the ark of
the ache of it.

Denise Levertov

i wish you this much happiness

i feel like mcguyver

i fixed my phone!! using a nail file, nailpolish, nailpolish remover, more nail polish, rubbing alcohol, and a permanent marker. granted, the nailpolish remover was to correct a mistake...as was the rubbing alcohol, and the permanent marker was only to draw a fleur de lis on the back, but still! i spent entirely too much time trying to fix it by taking it apart...including some time in the bathroom with a bobby pin and a hammer trying to make a tool that would unscrew the back. when this failed, i moved to nailpolish. so yeah...i'm pretty darn awesome.

lauren + coffee = hummingbird on crack

one surefire way to clean off your desk:

spill water ALL OVER EVERYTHING!

today's been fun...

if you can't hear the sarcasm in that statement, then you don't know me.

And here's where your mother sleeps
And here is the room where your brothers were born
Indentions in the sheets
Where their bodies once moved but don't move anymore
And it's so sad to see the world agree
That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies
All when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes

Two headed boy she is all you could need
She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires
And retire to sheets safe and clean
But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

jeff mangum

coming home

i'm starting to remember why i hate coming home. it's the interminable boredom. i have nothing to do. i've watched entirely too much tv and i reread one of my childhood favorite books, julie of the wolves. i sleep too much and feel like crap the rest of the day. i could drive up to my cousins' house, but all we'd end up doing is talking, watching a movie, or sleeping. i want to go out and get some sort of alcohol because i can. but there's no one to drink with. the dogs stink and need a bath...but i dont have the energy. there are plenty of cookies and pies and breads and dinners i could make, but i just cant seem to get started. that's what i really want to do, i want to cook. i want that warm environment and the wonderful smells and the mess and the sweet accomplishment afterward. i'm just not comfortable here.

the one up side is that my bed is warm. for so many years, i've struggled to get my bed warm. finally, i have found the right combination of blankets to keep me from waking up in the middle of the night shivering.

i need something to do...desperately. i really wish we had an extra car. plus i just feel so damn guilty using my parents' gas or time or car or anything.

why can't someone cook good food?? i'm freaking tired of takeout.

"I thought I had found my prince charming. He was perfect and wonderful and we were going to live happily ever after. Imagine my surprise when I kissed him and he turned into a frog! I was so angry and hurt and I felt so betrayed. I felt deceived. I pouted and raged until I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and found that I too was a frog."

-my mother

tonight i am blown away by the amazing girls on my hall. i have underestimated all of them. i was wrong. these are some of the most amazing and real women i have ever had the privilege to know, much less live with. i hope i have time to get to know as many as i possibly can in the next two weeks.