would you kindly look your best?

i think something confusingly sad has wandered into my life. sad, good, sweet, soft,

sadly sweet

but there's no bitter, this isn't bittersweet.

just sad.

i think my friend's back.

the sweetness is only that of familiarity.

i'm going to go clean him away.

there's this girl i know.  i hesitate to call her friend because of the past year or so, yet she is someone for whom i care deeply.  i've tried to explain the distance to myself so many times, but i suppose it's just the both of us, trying to be distant but foiling our own ends by pretending we're close.  her bitterness and fear is palpable, just as much so as i imagine mine to be.  a sad thing in the end, really.

i mention her because she was my roommate.  when she first came she was an art major.  she's meant for something else, but she chose art for her degree.  she's much too organized to be an artist.  anyway, the point is that i always feel so judged and belittled by her whenever i voice an opinion on art.  granted, i'm not going to say that my opinions on the great masters' work is a well informed one, and i won't say i know more about theory or history than she does.  i won't say that any skill that i have is more developed than hers; however, i do believe that i have a right to comment on art and what i believe it is.

first, there are two types of art that i see as very distinct but which have been often categorized as the same thing.  Art and Craft.  it's odd that those two words conjure up the images they do when a single 's' is added to the end of each, but the two words define the two facets quite neatly.  art is a communication of something human to others, while craft is deliberate creation through skill.  both have the capacity for immense creativity, inspiration and influence, but just because one calls the thing one creates 'art' does not immediately confer these qualities upon the work.  

another quality that can distinguish pieces in either category is what i like to think of as 'open' and 'closed' pieces.  i generally feel that an artist/craftsman creates one or the other on a regular basis, with unexpected appearances of the opposite on occasion.  

open work is something quite indescribable.  it'll cause you to stop at times, and stare.  the female form is most often an open work in itself; men and women both have been captivated by it for ages.  most pieces cheat a little and recreate that form in some medium or other... borrowing art from another artist.  open art has a way of making you stare longer, come back to a piece again; the powerful pieces seem to send tendrils of themselves of some communication into your brain and lodge themselves there, like they were flowing into the place they were meant to be.  as if there were some small void in one's being that was unfelt until something took its rightful place there.  

closed work has much more of a finality.  good work of this category feels stable, finished, complete.  there's no yearning for completion in it, but a solidity like a boulder sunk into the soft ground with moss settling in its corners.  or a smooth, unbroken field.  pure geometrics seem to be the distilled form of this quality.  they don't allow you to become a part of them, but instead rest beside you.

doctors are sadists who think they're God and like to watch other people scream.

i want a baby.

thoughts on leaving

"In all things…Christ pre-eminent."

You've made these words ring hollow, Covenant.  My heart breaks for those you've driven away in your blindness.

addendum to a high-schooler's insight

innocence is bliss, ignorance is embarrassing, knowledge is painful, but wisdom is knowing it's all woven together for good.

soleil

the heat of summer strained through the skin of spring

pressing out against the world

overdue

and yearning to be let out into the rainwet world

strong chords resonating diaphragm deep

leading forward, pulling through your chest

drawing out the joy that hides

It's tantamount to giving a jew a swastika christmas ornament.

Never get me anything fleece.  Fleece and I are archenemies.  

this is THE most fucked up website i've seen

Just see for yourself.

It looks kinda normal...until you try and read what it's saying. I dare you to understand what some of those comments are communicating.

i've a feeling...

that all my training in psychotherapy is just going to come down to this:

Loving relationship heals.

There.  All the research from the past 100 years into all the ins and outs of people's minds summed up for you.

And God said it first.

song for asher

http://hypem.com/search/breathe%20nalick/1/

buzzzzzing

there's no way i can sleep right now. i fell asleep for an hour and now that i've decided to go to bed, i can't get back to sleep. i'm just really bothered by what's been happening lately.

i'm just too busy to do everything right now.
here's my list: (in no particular order)
dishes when i can
keep room neatish
fold clothes
get enough sleep
remember to start meds
keep close eye on credit cards for a large purchase i made
come up with budget for wedding
call venue and see if the date can be moved at all w/0 losing $300
call mom to get addresses
mail more support letters
get in touch with jason lehn about support letters and late money
attempt to get in touch with my future mother-in-law (difficult to do when no one picks up the phone) to
explain that i don't hate her
try and get some answers on why there's a problem with the date
explain that i want to work things out for the best for everyone
attempt to get in touch with my family and tell them to try and call his family
make my appointment on friday
begin to acquire and read 60+ resources for my SIP
check due dates to make sure i'm not late on anything
find a wedding coordinator i can afford
make lunch dates with three friends (and somehow keep them w/0 a car)
clean the dishes i make at his house
write and turn in a resume in 2 days
set up meeting with alecia by tomorrow
find the hours for the french lab i'm supposed to do by tomorrow
get invitations made and out in a month
get more info on the job (but from whom?)
finalize a budget limit
search for a reception venue that'll be open, affordable, and w/0 a corking fee
look for an affordable dress online and go dress shopping at a time when someone can go with me
look for affordable bridesmaid dresses
keep my parents updated on wedding plans
keep his parents updated on wedding plans
keep my maid of honor updated on wedding plans
prepare for berlin trip
find time to exercise
spend time with him
resolve the random disputes that tend to crop up in stressful times
help him find a car
schedule surgical procedure
schedule several dentist visits
find a way to have money for a security deposit
find an affordable apartment if the job won't work out
find out if we could have internet at that house
get schoolwork in on time (find some way to plan ahead effectively...something i haven't figured out yet)

and yet, i'm apparently a terrible person because i haven't been able to keep in touch enough and because i haven't been keeping everyone up-to-date on every thought and consideration i've had about the wedding.

there. i'm sure there's a lot more on the list (i've almost completely neglected the specifics of school due dates)...but there it is.

i have a lot to do. i can't do everything. it's not fair for people to blame me for not doing what they think i should be doing. i don't have time for their shoulds, i only have time for whatever i can get done.

M: she has a juicy butt....

M: by which i mean it says juicy

A: you have a one track mind...the PENIS TRACK

A: because christianity is confined to the size of your package

A: you could just send the y chromosome home.

M: ok, guys, go home. (looks at crotch and points out the door)

A: i think we have another x chromosome in the fridge.